Guns And Lipstick (1995)

This might, just might, have the most ISCFC-level star-studded cast of all time. If you’re not at least intrigued after I list them, then…well, I’ve got no idea why you’re reading this.

 

Evan Lurie (Expect To Die; Hologram Man; Cyborg 3)

Sherrie Rose (Summer Job; Night Claws; No Retreat, No Surrender 3; Cy-Warrior)

Robert Forster (Maniac Cop 3; Scanner Cop 2; Supernova)

James Hong (Big Trouble In Little China; Epoch; Bloodsport 2; Operation Golden Phoenix)

Sonny Landham (Predator; Best of the Best 2; The Warriors)

Bobbie Phillips (the three Chameleon movies; TC-2000; Back In Action)

Wings Hauser (Rubber; Beastmaster 2; hundreds of B-level action movies)

Joe Estevez (The Roller Blade Seven; Karate Raider; Demolition Highway)

 

Add in a starring role for the great Sally Kirkland, whose oeuvre has sadly missed our critical eye, and you’ve got a hell of a cast. Which is nice because everything else about “Guns and Lipstick” is weird, or confusing, or both.

(Also, there are a few brief shots of full-frontal nudity in this, and tons of boobs. I thought Youtube was opposed to that sort of thing?)

 

With absolutely no preamble whatsoever, we’re right into the “action”, as private eye Danielle (Kirkland) gets a case from stripper Mary (Rose). She’s worried about a guy stalking her, and it turns out she’s entirely right to do so, as the moment Danielle calls it a night on her surveillance, Mary is murdered. Danielle is the prime suspect due to her being an ex-cop who was thrown off the force, and due to Detective Dimaggio (Forster) having it in for her. Well, kind-of, he seems like an okay-ish guy at the beginning.

 

The prime way “Guns and Lipstick” moves forward is the plot twist. Just when you think you understand something, a new wrinkle is introduced or everything suddenly lurches 90 degrees to the right, to the point where you just stop caring, knowing that the person you’re seeing will change motivation a couple more times before the movie ends.

 

There’s Mr Song (Hong), who wants Danielle to find the guy who’s suspected of murdering Mary. There’s Mary’s brother, Andy (Lurie), who is central to the plot for the flimsiest of reasons. There’s “The Albino” (the definitely non-albino Sonny Landham), who’s after the same thing as Mr Song. There are friendly strippers who keep turning up dead, like someone sort of wants to frame Danielle for all the murders but can’t be bothered to do a very good job of it – they leave no evidence behind or provide no plausible motivation. There’s Mr Song’s “daughter”, Felicia (Phillips) who’s brought in a little over halfway through and is just straight-up evil from the get-go. There’s Michael (Wings), who is living in a house that’s sort of guarded by Mr Song’s people, but no-one bothers telling us why he’s there.

The thing which motivates everyone is the MacGuffin Stone, which has a real name but I didn’t write it down and it appears none of this movie’s other reviewers did so either. Who cares? Song offers Danielle $2 million for it, and she seems like “hell yeah, let’s do this so I can get out of here” but never gets the chance to sell.

 

So, a private-eye plot (if a fairly bonkers one), with a couple of movies worth of stuff squeezed into 90 minutes. Let’s discuss details a little. The Albino has a couple of goons who came from “oddball central casting” – one of whom looks like a buff John Carpenter, the other a buff Cheech Marin. Song’s two goons are both English for no reason, and one of them has a magnificent mullet. Then, cars! Let’s talk cars. Whenever you see a fairly wealthy character driving a horrific-looking beat up old Volvo, you know the sole reason is they’re going to roll that car over, or set it on fire, or hurl it off a cliff (at least, to their credit, they didn’t just use stock footage and only match the colour of the car). They also do the terrible-looking trick of making a car chase look fast-paced by just speeding the footage up, a gimmick I thought had died with the legendary “Samurai Cop”.

But, my favourite detail is when Danielle goes to the library to find out more about the MacGuffin Stone. The librarian lists a couple of incredibly false-sounding book titles, but the final one is just wonderful – “Myths And False Beliefs Among The Prisoners Of San Quentin”. That’s the one she wants, because it was written by one of the people who died earlier on, and when she’s seen flicking through it, it’s very obviously the script of the movie with a new front page added. And then she doesn’t even bother reading it!

 

Evan Lurie is, once again, the best thing about a movie. He’s living in what looks like a college dorm, with a poster for “Gandhi” on the wall? I love a good weird detail. Anyway, he kicks a ton of ass in a bar-room brawl which starts for the flimsiest of reasons and is great and has the final, most-stupid-of-all, twist for himself. Kirkland is fun too, and even gets her own fighting move, doing what people in law enforcement refer to as the “pimp slap” (a chop to the neck, where a bunch of nerves are, that can drop a person apparently). The rest of the cast I listed above all give it their best, but I’m pretty sure no-one really knew what was going on.

My best guess is, this was pitched as a sequel to 1991’s “VI Warshawski”, the Kathleen Turner-starring story of a hot blonde cougar private eye who quips better than any man. Then they were turned down almost immediately so the writer, one Andras Totisz, wrote a book to pretend to base the script on, changed a few details about the main character, and away we go.

 

I mean, it’s available for free, so the only thing it’ll cost you is time. But even so, I’m not sure it’s worth it. It’s a mass of plot twists masquerading as a movie.

 

Rating: thumbs down

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