Ozombie (2012)

I feel bad reviewing this film. It’s bait for sites such as ours, much like “Iron Sky” or “Jersey Shore Shark Attack”. Look at the wacky title! It’s going to be gory and funny, right? ozombie Osama Bin Laden is in his final compound in Abbottabad, Pakistan, and the Americans are closing in. For some reason, most of the inside of that house is what looks like the inside of a storage locker unit, with doors stretching off as far as the eye can see. I knew all that time watching “Storage Wars” wasn’t wasted. So, the soldiers are moving through the storage unit, when all the doors open up to reveal…zombies! Turns out ol’ Osama is using some evil chemicals to turn people into the living dead, and the last we see of him in this sequence, he’s injecting himself with his own chemicals as the door gets kicked in and he takes a hail of bullets.

We then get treated to a young American couple sunning themselves on “the Arabian Sea”, and as they frolic, the world’s favourite terrorist, freshly undead, emerges from his watery grave to claim his first victims. Then we cut to the people who’ll be our heroes, a wacky, multi-ethnic group of soldiers, far behind enemy lines, tasked with…you know what? Who cares. They’re there to kill zombies, and as they’re engaging in a bit of banter, a whole bunch of them come over a hill and we get a nice big fight.

This fight sums up nearly every problem the film has. First up, the soldiers are badly trained and incredibly unobservant. They allow zombies to get the jump on them almost constantly, with no sign of something as basic as watching each other’s backs, let alone anything an advanced squad of badass US soldiers would learn. There’s lots of stale banter, like someone who made this film saw a Tarantino film once, really enjoyed it, but didn’t take any valuable lessons away from it other than banter + violence = awesome. One of the soldiers dies during this fight, and there’s a long emotional scene as they say farewell to their friend, the sort of scene that you’d get just before the climactic sequence in a good film. You want your large emotional moments to have been hard-fought, not to appear ten minutes in with characters we barely know, let alone care about (there’s another, almost identical, scene at about the hour mark, if you really liked this one). There’s also some dubious politics on display here – Barack Obama is referred to as “Barack Bonaparte” as some sort of reference to his tyrant nature, and the idea of the US mission in Afghanistan being anything other than absolutely right and morally justified is never brought up.

There’s also a brother-sister team of people who are in Afghanistan for reasons so lame I can’t be bothered to type them out, who are the fuel that helps drive the movements of the characters in the last half of the film. Two siblings who couldn’t look less alike – the sister is Mediterranean in hue, the brother has ginger hair and under the dirt is probably pretty pale. Anyway. My wife asked me to print a joke from the film in full, to show the awful “banter” we had to put up with. “Confucius say man who farts in church must sit in his own pew”. I say joke, I mean “empty words that made me want to throttle the character who spoke them”.

Ozombie11 Anyway, thanks to their inability to perform basic military manoeuvres with any competence, the soldiers get gradually killed off as they close in on zombie Osama’s new hideout. Will they survive? Will they kill Bin Laden for the second time?

This film isn’t, in terms of these sorts of films, cheaply made. They’ve spent a decent amount of money on makeup and extras, the actors all can act, Eve Mauro and Danielle Chuchran deserve better, and there’s plenty of sets used. What it is, is a big nothing of a film. They came up with a title and a vague concept, and half-assed it to an extraordinary extent on absolutely everything else. At least exploitation / grindhouse cinema in the 70s was open about its reason for existence, but this makes a vague hand-wave in the direction of having a point to make while not being especially…anything, really.

Ozombie on IMDB
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