An Erotic Vampire In Paris (2002)


Sadly, readers, our attempt to watch all of Donald Farmer’s movies has failed at the hurdle of 1999’s “Space Kid”. Never released on video or DVD, I was hoping to track one down (although it’s not like any of you would have been able to watch it afterwards, based on my review). It’s a shame but it seems he made several movies around the turn of the millenium which have either disappeared very thoroughly or were never released in the first place, such as “Blood And Honor” (a Civil War epic listed at 4 hours 33 minutes!), “Fighting Chance” and”Charlie And Sadie”, so forever onwards, and next in the available Farmer pantheon we find ourselves with this.


If you ever went in a video shop after the late 90s, then you will definitely know of Misty Mundae (who now works under the name Erin Brown). She was as famous as a person who starred in stuff like “Play-Mate Of The Apes”, “Gladiator Eroticvs: The Lesbian Warriors” and “Scary Sexy Disaster Movie” (aka “TITanic 2000”) could be. That sounds slightly dismissive – I’ve not seen any of them, they might be great – but she was enough of a draw to get her name in the title of several movies, with later stuff like “Misty Mundae: Erotic Raider” and “The Erotic Diary Of Misty Mundae”. Can you tell I’m having fun just listing all these titles? She cornered the market in softcore mockbusters, but I’m guessing the death of Blockbuster affected the business model for those sorts of movies, so she’s not been quite as busy as she was (although she’s still working solidly, in such things as garbage human Bill Zebub’s “A Nightmare On Elmo’s Street”).


Calling this an “erotic horror” is a bit off, as it definitely leans heavier on the erotic than the horror. Literally the first thing we see is Misty’s vagina, playing Caroline, a woman plagued by intense dreams. Well, her entire body plays Caroline, not just her vagina. Ah, you know what I mean. Anyway, as she’s walking across the room in the first scene, we’re treated to a shot of the cameraman following her, reflected in the mirror. Come on! It’s the first scene, you guys! Could you not have reshot it?

Check out the mirror

Not the best shot, but there they are

As we get a voiceover which sounds like it was recorded over the phone, Caroline reads her diary, and we discover her Mother (who lived in Paris) just died, but she feels very worried about going there to visit her grave. Anyway, she does, and the initial scenes of her walking round Paris remind me of “Highlander: The Series”, although that show was able to close streets to film on, and this film most definitely did not. I guess no-one asks you for a permit if you’re filming a home movie, and a huge amount is shot guerrilla-style on the streets, with lots of poor French people unaware they’re in a Donald Farmer movie. They go to Notre Dame and a few famous streets, which is pretty cool though.


After visiting her mother’s grave (which actually belongs to a German person, if the wording we briefly see on the side is anything to go by) and having her bags stolen, she’s seduced by Isabelle (Mia Copia, also now working under her real name, Tina Krause), who we saw earlier on is a vampire. And really, that’s it. After getting Caroline, a woman she’s known for maybe an hour, to strip completely naked and eat food off the floor, the two of them then have sex more often than the stars of most hardcore porn movies. In what I suppose is a plot, Isabelle resists biting Caroline because she is in love with her? A guy (billed as “The Stalker”, played by the charmingly named Bill Hellfire) follows them round for a bit then just walks into their house, all three of them then have a bath together before Isabelle kills him; oh, and she kills the guy who stole Caroline’s stuff at the beginning too. I won’t spoil the ending, but suffice to say it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever based on what went before.


Mundae and Copia have appeared in 13 movies together, 7 of which were directed by Bill Hellfire (who does double duty as second-unit director here – I can’t even begin to imagine what that job title really entails on a movie as low budget as this), so they’re obviously comfortable with each other, which is handy when the majority of the movie is the two of them in bed or naked. Although Mundae has appeared in 20 movies with an actress by the name of Darian Caine, so she’s not even the most regular collaborator!


I appreciate this is basically a softcore movie, so reviewing it like a normal one is pointless, but if the sex were better shot then it would at least be fun to look at? But it’s often out of focus, or it’ll zoom in on a bit of flesh it’s impossible to identify, or entire scenes will be in extreme close-up, or the cameraman will be in completely the wrong position to capture any decent angles, which means I don’t think it really works either as a movie or softcore “action”. But I am far from an expert on such matters.


It just seems so amateurish. There’s a segment near the beginning where Isabelle seduces a photographer, and you see her posing for photos and then some photos appearing on screen, indicating someone got a new graphics package for their PC. But anyway, the photos we see on screen are just stills from the movie, not the actual photographs the woman is taking (they’re from a completely different angle). Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I’m complaining about a softcore movie because of the angle of some photographs!


There’s a strong whiff of “Virgin Among The Living Dead” and other Jess Franco movies here, with the music, the European setting, and the S&M undertones, although that is this one’s superior in every possible way. Obviously, I love Donald Farmer, he’s a huge movie buff and has made some insane entertainment, but this is just rubbish. I guess it was made very quickly and very cheaply and turned a decent profit for everyone involved, and making it coherent or fun to look at was very far down on anyone’s list of priorities.


If anyone would like, I’ll do a series of reviews of Seduction Cinema’s other efforts, and try and do them as seriously as possible, treat em like high art? If you want to read about “SSI: Sex Scene Investigation” or “Kinky Kong”, then let me know. Actually, after 13 Witchcraft movies, I’m not sure my brain could take it.


Rating: very very thumbs down