Jersey Shore Massacre (2014)

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As far as Jersey Shore-based comedy movies go, the ISCFC has got you covered – we surprisingly enjoyed 2012’s “Jersey Shore Shark Attack”. But, two years further removed from the cultural phenomenon that the Situation, Snooki et al were (started in 2009, finished by 2012) is the world really crying out for more? Cast member JWoww thinks so, because this film bears her name as producer. What? They really paid those people way too much money if they can afford to be doing stuff like this.

Initially, I thought this film was going to be similar to “Versus”, the insane / wonderful Japanese movie where all the bodies that the Yakuza have buried in the forest come back to life and start eating people. Some Italian crime types are out in the woods, there’s a screaming woman drenched in blood tied to a tree, then everyone gets sliced up by an entirely off-screen creature. So far, so good!

You’ll have plenty of time to regret that initial feeling of optimism, dear reader. My wife absolutely nailed it when, referring to the producer, she said “I can’t tell if she’s entirely self-aware and this is what she knows people want to see happen to the Jersey Shore cast, or she’s completely and totally unaware of how stupid this is”.

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I’m going to have to go with the latter, sadly. Two car loads of “guidettes” are on their way for a fun weekend at the shore, they meet up with landlord Ron Jeremy but unfortunately the house they booked is occupied by a group of even less pleasant Hispanic ladies. So, one of them is the neice of a Mafia guy, he has a lovely house in the woods, they go there, then go back to the shore, meet up with a truly disgusting group of “guidos”, then take them back out to the woods. Unfortunately, this is close to the site we saw at the beginning, and eventually our hero starts murdering the cast.

I want to mention two scenes, and your opinion of them will probably dictate your opinion of the film as a whole. First up, as the car full of ladies arrives at the beach for a day of sunbathing, they drive their car onto the sand, and destroy a small cordoned-off area which has turtle eggs in it. Just to drive the point home, they are then seen stepping on the few remaining whole eggs. Then, a little later, one of the ladies needs to use the toilet, is unable to find one nearby, so just nips into the sea and does it there. A few minutes later, a sad-sack father and his son are walking along and the Dad steps in the fresh guidette-guano.

So, is the film punishing these people for being awful, or is this the filmmaker’s idea of comedy? Well, it’s sort of both, but the problem then becomes there is literally no-one to root for to survive the massacre. It’s someone, mostly unseen and unknown, attacking a bunch of horrible people.

The one thing it has going for it is being unafraid to bust out the blood. This is one gory film, where people get stuff chopped off, sliced up or burned. And, someone involved in this film tried to slip a few decent jokes in there – a cop shoots a guido accidentally and tries to plant a gun on him to make it look like self-defence, but the guido in question just had his hands shoved in a meat grinder.

While it might be interesting to see a film that bucks the narrative trend, it would be more interesting to see a film that was made a bit better than this. With most films, they have to pass through several layers of producers and film companies, and all the weird little bits will get sanded off. This, on the other hand, feels like it emerged straight from JWoww’s subconscious, unedited, so while it was a terrible piece of garbage, it was at least an interesting terrible piece of garbage.

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Rating: thumbs down

PS – this is the third film we’ve done in the last few weeks to feature Shawn C Philips, completely by accident – the other two being “Disaster Wars: Earthquake vs Tsunami” and “Ghostquake”. He’s working, Walter White-style, like he knows he’s not got long to live and is trying to make money for his family – check out his IMDB page!

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Jersey Shore Shark Attack (2012)

The shark film reviews are back! For those of you who’ve been reading this site for a while, you may remember my early reviews for “Swamp Shark” and “Dinoshark“, and I’ve been promising to get back into the swing of things. Here we are!

If you’ve read the title of this film, and thought “so, it’s the cast of Jersey Shore getting eaten by sharks?”, you’d be about 90% right. Thanks to a real, genuine shark attack on the Jersey Shore in 1916, the makers of this film got away with calling the film this…or maybe the parody laws in America are more lax than I thought. But not only do they need sharks, they need a group of people to either get eaten or fight back, and that’s where the first two words of the title come into action.

Rough facsimiles of 6 of the 7 original Jersey Shore cast members are trotted out – the Situation, who if my eyes and ears are to believed is currently on the British version of “Celebrity Big Brother” becomes The Complication, Snooki becomes Nooki, etc. They seem to have at least made an effort to have the men in the cast bear some sort of resemblance to their reality TV counterparts, but the women are an undifferentiated mass of fake tan and tight clothing – Nooki, for example, is the tall, slim and beautiful Melissa Molinaro, whereas the real Snooki is not really any of those things (not that it matters, just saying). Anyway, I don’t need to hold too many details of them in my mind because they all survive SPOILERS

In my Swamp Shark review I proposed a book called “The Laws Of Low-Budget Films With Sharks In Them”, so let’s go through those rules and see how well “Jersey Shore Shark Attack” fares.

Rule 1: ‘there must be a shot where the three heroes are on a speedboat looking ahead with determination’

Okay, there’s four of them this time, and it’s not really a speedboat 😦

Well, we’re batting 1.000 so far.

Rule 2: ‘ there must be a large seafront entertainment event that can’t be cancelled, for some reason’

Respect to him to never changing his name to something less true, I suppose?

You’re not just going to cancel a Joey Fatone concert! That guy from that band…okay, I know he was in N-Sync, has a funny little part and then gets eaten for his troubles. 2 up, 2 down!!

Rule 3: ‘at least one character must behave in a brain-buggeringly stupid way, to drive the plot along’

There’s a hell of a lot of proof for this rule. You’ve got asshole rich out-of-towners who take their yacht out into shark-infested waters; rich businessmen who keep drilling, even though they know the drilling is bad and attracts sharks; but surprisingly, none of our main cast do anything particularly silly.

Rule 4: “sharks be super-powered”

The sharks in this film are actually albino mutant killer sharks, a particularly nasty variety that normally stay in their deep ocean hideout; and while they don’t do anything quite as silly as the sharks from my previous two reviews, sharks just don’t jump out of the water to attack people, much less jump from one bit of water, over some land, grab a former pop star in mid-air then splash down in another bit of water.

So, the four rules are still strong, three films in.

This film has some of the most egregious stunt casting I’ve ever seen. First up, there’s an actual Jersey Shore cast member, Vinny, who stars as a local TV reporter. I presume this is why the 6 heroes, while not geniuses by any stretch, are kind to each other, respectful of the Jersey Shore and make the other Guidos proud – one of his requests before agreeing to be in the film? We also have the aforementioned Joey Fatone, who at least is a good sport; William Atherton, the baddie from “Ghostbusters”, Paul Sorvino and a couple of “Sopranos” cast members.

There’s a plot, of sorts. An evil developer wants to turn the shore into a golf course, so lays some heavy concrete supports to turn the pier into the 18th hole. This attracts the sharks, badabing badaboom, the bad guys get eaten or squashed by a runaway ferris wheel, order is restored.

You know what? This film isn’t all that bad. I mean, it’s still terrible by normal standards – the guy playing Paulie D can either do an impression of Mr. D or act, but not both at the same time, and chooses the former far more than the latter; the sharks look like some 14 year old’s first attempt at CGI; and the ending’s as damp a squib as “Birdemic”…but there’s fun to be had. Most of the time, the cast don’t take things seriously, and the combination of them with some heavyweight actors makes for some good times.

Lay back, relax yourself to a few degrees above a coma, and pop in “Jersey Shore Shark Attack”. It will be okay.

Rating: thumbs up

Jersey Shore Shark Attack on IMDB
Buy Jersey Shore Shark Attack [DVD]