Youtube Film Club: Krush The Serpent (2002)

Let’s make a deal, dear reader. Any movie that comes along looking like this, let’s just assume it’s terrible, stop watching it and move on with our lives. The warning signs:

1. The IMDB budget is listed at $10,000, and I’d suggest that’s being generous

2. There’s no lighting, but not in a Dogme 95 way, in a “we made this with one video camcorder and nothing else” way

3. Someone spectacularly blows a line in the first five minutes and no-one cares enough to re-shoot it

4. It’s back-door religious propaganda


Life is too short to watch something that I’m reasonably sure anyone with a weekend and a few friends could make something better than. This is barely a movie, so we’re not going to need to be here all that long. But if you want to check for yourself, here goes:

Jacqueline Lovell has had an interesting career. From a decade or so of soft-core late night cable-style thrillers and extra roles in mainstream TV (there’s a lot of “uncredited” next to her character name on IMDB), she made a fantastic performance in the Full Moon movie “Hideous!”, then…back to being an extra and doing soft-core stuff for a few more years. Plus, there’s a brief appearance in one of our bottom ten of all time, the painfully terrible “Dead Country” and quite a lot of her own projects (of which this is an early example).

She’s married to a fellow called Ed Nyahay, and together the two of them have decided to make a lot of movies and cable access shows with a heavily religious message. Take for example “Bug Boy Adventures” from 1999, about a bug who tries to find his place in the world as he seeks out God. If that was too subtle for you, here’s a segment from their own website, :

God Bless Our New Pope Francis !!!

Our Lady of All Nations predicted a “final Marian dogma” proclaiming Our Lady “Co-Redemptrix, Mediatrix, and Advocate”.   Pope Benedict XVI when he was head of the Propagation of the Faith of the Catholic Church prompted the re-investigation and release of information pertaining to this dogma.  He reportedly wrote the visionary Ida Perleman that there were no theological barriers to the possible proclamation of the dogma.

Our Lady of All Nations is the inspiration behind “Krush the Serpent”.

This is something the Nyahays feel strongly about, and good for them. But if you’re going to make a movie, might I suggest making something that other human beings might actually want to see? Lots of great movies wrestle with religious themes, but no great movies have dialogue in the first few scenes drowned out by a toddler unaware it was being filmed, or an aforementioned adult woman blowing a line so badly I was a little embarrassed for her.


There’s a plot. Lovell is sad over the death of her husband, and goes to Our Lady Of All Nations shrine in Amsterdam to get some closure, communicate with her husband, etc. And that’s pretty much it, for a way-too-long-for-a-movie-this-cheap 103 minutes. You’ll see unlit scenes, you’ll see Dutch angles, you’ll hear poorly recorded voiceovers, well you won’t see or hear any of this stuff because unlike me you won’t bother watching it, I hope.

Even Jacqueline Lovell is terrible in “Krush The Serpent”. I think she’s a talented actor and absolutely deserved a better career than being in tons of soft-core porn, a few Full Moon movies, and this. I’m reasonably sure, if she’s got a Google alert on her own name, she’ll read this review and go “someone bothered watching it?” On their website, the Nyahays have home video footage of a road trip they took in 2012, and that footage, which is nothing other than a loving family seeing the sights of the California coastline, is better than this – better shot, more interesting (they see seals! Yosemite is really beautiful!), actually audible dialogue, all that good stuff.


So there you go. I may be the only person not related to them to have seen this movie all the way through, and…I’m not thrilled about it. I have a book I’m about halfway through and am really enjoying, I could have read some more of that. I could have been mowing the lawn. Pretty much anything else.

Rating: come on, you really don’t need a rating


PS. Digging further into Edward Nyahay’s work, he fancies himself a musician, a “Gotholic priest”, and I guess “gotholic” means “to do a terribly bad impression of Marilyn Manson with songs about religion”. He’s also written a book about a rock star trapped in a war between heaven and hell, and has made a video promo for it. Here’s a screenshot:

Would you trust the strengths of a novel if the guy who wrote it can’t spell “strengths”? Me neither. Ah, he’s married Jacqueline Lovell, he doesn’t care about my mockery.


Hideous! (1997)


Long-term readers of our site may remember the time we tackled Full Moon. Charles Band and friends worked in conjunction with Paramount for many years, to give the big company a steady stream of low-budget but good-looking horror and sci-fi films for the home video market – then in the mid 90s, they branched out on their own, and have been independent since. They’re perhaps best known at the ISCFC for their rather cavalier attitude towards continuity, as well as many crossovers between their franchises.

“Hideous!” is being reviewed here due to that crossover tendency. Let’s see if I can remember it all…”Dollman vs. Demonic Toys” is the sequel to three different films, “Demonic Toys”, “Bad Channels” and “Dollman”. However, after the later “Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys”, Full Moon decided to ignore the continuity of those films and made a direct sequel to “Demonic Toys” called “Demonic Toys 2”. But, according to Wikipedia, that film features characters from “Hideous!” which is why we’re reviewing this before that. All make sense?

We get an extra layer of oddness, right off the bat too. Both IMDB and Wikipedia list a synopsis for this film which isn’t true.

“A group of rival collectors of severely deformed freakish human beings and the FBI agents that are investigating them must battle against some of their collections which aren’t as dead as they seem…”

Unless I completely wasn’t paying attention, there are no FBI agents in this movie. Given that IMDB has been going since before 1997, maybe the synopsis is based on pre-release publicity from Full Moon, that no-one bothered to change after the film was released? Anyway. The film starts with three sewage workers having a conversation about the weird things they’ve fished out of the filter, which starts off with money and jewellery but ends up with a discussion of foetuses and them fishing out something mysterious and mostly unseen that the head guy takes away with him.

The film then meanders to the main section, which is the thing they fished out of the sewage reviving while in a collector’s room of biological oddities, reviving the other oddities and trapping a group of people in the castle they all congregated in. Fans of Full Moon and ponderers of Charles Band’s psyche will have already guessed that the creatures will be small, stop-motion animated, horrible-looking, and they also won’t be entirely evil; the main creature, what looks like a head with another head sort of poorly photocopied on top, is suitably grotesque though.

I believe I’ve raised this criticism of Full Moon before, but wow do their films take a long time to get to the point. It’s an hour into the 78 minutes of film before the humans and oddities meet up, and I’m really not sure that the conflict between collectors Napoleon Lazar (evil) and Dr Lorca (also evil) is enough to keep the film afloat. The sole bright spark of proceedings is Jacqueline Lovell, as Lorca’s assistant Sheila. Her outfit through most of the film is leather hot-pants and a leather waistcoat, nothing else, and in the film’s best scene she robs Lazar of his oddity wearing nothing but hot-pants and a gorilla mask. She’s both really beautiful and a decent actress, so it’s a shame she seems to have spent most of her career in soft-core pornography. Well, unless you like soft-core pornography, I suppose.


This certainly feels like a “standard” Full Moon movie – the way it’s shot, the music (from Charles Band’s brother), the mini-creatures. And much like other Full Moon features, the problems come when you start thinking about it for more than a few seconds. The central conflict in this film comes from oddity-broker Belinda Yost selling to Lazar instead of Lorca, her normal regular customer, but the problem is the reason for this change is never explained. You’ve also not really got anyone to cheer on in this film – it’s evil collector 1, evil collector 2, and evil creatures, all fighting each other. You could certainly cheer on Sheila, I suppose.

There is fun to be had in this film, though. It plays knowingly with some of the mad scientist and haunted house tropes, and both collectors can chew scenery with the best of them. And Lovell’s performance means we’ll probably be reviewing more of her mainstream performances (she’s in a few other Full Moon films, I think, so two birds with one stone and all that). If only it had been a bit funnier or a bit faster-paced.

Rating: thumbs down