The Condemned 2 (2015)

In this, one of the more pointless sequels it’s ever been our pleasure to cover, we have a very entertaining movie which doesn’t make the slightest bit of sense. It’s not so much “leave your brain at the door”, it’s “arrange to have it surgically removed and beaten long before you even set off to the cinema”.

WWE star Randy Orton finally gets his chance to star in an ISCFC-reviewed movie, after almost being in parts 2 and 3 of “The Marine” (missing out on part 2 due to injury, and part 3 due to someone discovering his less-than-stellar real life military past). He’s Will Tanner, a Bail Enforcement Agent, which I think just means bounty hunter, but you never know, and he and his team are trying to arrest Cyrus, who’s running the strangest underground gambling den of all time.

We’ve seen people bet on all sorts of strange things, but this is perhaps the strangest of them all. Along with his assistant Raul, he’s got two old homeless guys off the street, strapped them both into chairs and given them a lethal dose of some chemical. The betting is on who will die first! I can’t imagine this being too thrilling, even for the sort of jaded psychopath who can be found at one of these events, but there you go. Anyway, Will and his crew go non-lethal all the way, then Cyrus accidentally falls on some spikes and dies. There’s also one of those scenes that the great TV show “Justified” skewered so successfully, where the bad guy, told to stop moving, keeps creeping closer to the good guys until he’s within striking range. Shoot him when he won’t stop moving, dummy!

This causes arrests, even though the only real-life bounty hunter I ever read about killed several people and never did a minute of jail time for it. The team splits up, and Will has to go and apologise to his father, played by the slumming-it-for-20-years Eric Roberts. But Dad is cool with it, eventually, and supports Will when he gets a job as a tow-truck guy. There’s a little scene inserted here, when he helps a couple of college girls out and they basically undress him with their eyes – I think it’s in there because there’s not a whisper of romance, and the only female character is the boss of the towing company (she’s only in one scene). They needed to let you know ol’ Will is straight as a die.

Anyway, I’m just recapping the movie here! One day, one of his old crew shows up, takes him out for a beer and then tries to kill him – luckily, plenty of witnesses means Will is released pronto. Then, another crew member shows up and Will just heads off with him too, as if the last scene didn’t happen, and this guy tries to kill him too!

The gist of things is, Raul, the former assistant, even though he didn’t seem to like Cyrus at the beginning, has set up a “Most Dangerous Game” style event, blackmailing his old team into hunting Will down as revenge for the death of his boss. Dozens of high-rolling gamblers are there, betting on who will come out on top, and Raul keeps standing on tables and saying stupid things. It’s great!

But we must break things down with some bullet points. Not a single thing makes the slightest bit of sense from this point on, so let’s look at how and why. Spoilers, I guess, if you’re going to watch it.

  • Raul claims to have gotten his inspiration from the original Condemned “tournament”, despite them not being the same sort of thing, at all
  • He also claims the original was low-rent, surrounded as he is people gambling. That first movie had about 30 million people watching, at the cost of $50 each, netting him (at the very least) a high eight-figure sum. Given Raul has to pay the people who win, how much does he think he’s going to make?
  • Wouldn’t it be easier for him to just hire a bunch of people who are happy to kill for sport, rather than threaten the families of his old team?
  • Of the five team members who participate, three turn on Raul and help out Will. Does he do anything to their families? Of course not.
  • But one of the guys who does turn chooses to die rather than surrender, when dying holds no promise of helping out his family, surrender being by far the better option.
  • Raul puts himself in the game at the end, helped out by 20 armed goons. Given he’s expecting people to bet, who’s going to bet against the heavily-tooled-up army taking on three injured guys?
  • All the “participants” are sort of boring. If this was a wrestling tournament, you wouldn’t care about who won or lost, and you certainly wouldn’t bet on them. At least the first movie gave you some colourful villains!

This sounds like I hated it, and that’s not the case. There are some fun set-pieces, like in the minefield, and it’s anchored by a surprisingly good lead performance. Orton is great as a sort of super-tough everyman, the kind that “Rowdy” Roddy Piper used to play so well (although Piper was better at it), and if he’d been a bit less stupid I’d have been on board with it 100%. Roberts could have probably phoned his performance in from home, and Steven Michael Quezada as Raul starts at “way over the top” and just keeps on going. He understood the best just what sort of movie this was. Director Roel Reine has done tons of WWE movies so if you’ve seen one of them, chances are it looks quite a lot like this.

It’s a curious one. Lots of fun while being among the dumbest movies we’ve ever covered here, if you’re a WWE fan I’d recommend it; if you love gasping with incredulity I’d recommend it; if you like movies where zero women have anything to do, then…screw you, you sexist asshole, you don’t get a recommendation.

Rating: thumbs up

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