If you’ve read any of these reviews before, you’ll know one of my favourite things is weird ordering of sequels, confusing continuity and so on; we have a little treat for you here, in the shape of the first of the “Girls, Guns And G-Strings” series to have not been written or directed by Andy Sidaris. Sidaris apparently saw “Fit To Kill” (also made in 1993, and annoyingly I guessed wrong as to which of the 1993 movies came first) as the end of the tales of the L.E.T.H.A.L. Ladies – it was the last one starring Dona Speir and Roberta Vasquez – so his son, Christian Drew Sidaris, took over the reins. It may not surprise you to know that the entirety of junior’s career in the movies is in his Dad’s stuff, and when Andy finally retired in 1998, Christian never worked in the business again.
So, we’re treated to another unnamed government agency with buxom female agents, and a few very clean-cut guys who don’t look particularly interested in the women; returning from daddy’s stock company are Bruce Penhall and Rodrigo Obregon, and making her first appearance is Julie Strain, who’d star in the remaining Sidaris movies. So, not too different from Dad, right?
Well, I’ll never insult Andy again after seeing this. The title, “Enemy Gold”, refers to some Civil War gold which is seen in the cold open being stolen by a couple of Confederate soldiers in 1865 and then buried in Texas somewhere; it’s entirely irrelevant to the plot and is discovered by accident a little over halfway in, after being referred to casually once previously. It’s not even a MacGuffin because its presence doesn’t cause anyone to change their allegiance or plans, it’s just a thing that happens. It feels like it was rewritten crudely at the last minute.
Might as well tell you a bit about it, though. The Civil War battle at the beginning is filmed terribly (I presume it was him borrowing a group of re-enactors for the afternoon) – there’s so much smoke from the guns that there’s stretches where you can’t see a damn thing. But luckily there’s not too much of it to sit through, as we’re soon in modern-day Texas, and our two heroes, guys who wear vests constantly, Chris and Mark (Bruce Penhall and Mark Barriere, Barriere continuing the proud Sidaris tradition of being so bad at acting that he had to use his own first name). They’re joined by the splendidly named Becky Midnite (Suzy Simpson), as she’s Chris’s girlfriend as well as being an agent. I think.
This triple threat put a drug manufacturing operation out of business, belonging to Santiago (Obregon), who’s been paying off the agency’s local boss, Dickson (a charisma vacuum by the name of Alan Abelew) for some time. Dickson suspends them for not following correct agency procedure, and if you’ve ever thought “what this action movie could do with is a really intricate discussion of the political structure of a fictitious government agency” then you’re going to have a heck of a good time. Santiago sends his goons after them, and off we go.
Not even the intervention of their friend and higher-level boss Noble (Tanquil Lisa Collins, similarly blonde and statuesque) can save them, so they decide to take their suspension casually and go for a camping trip – Chris and Mark have been camping together since they were boys, and have always been fascinated by the story of the lost Civil War gold. You might see the scenes with Noble and not be aware she’s their Washington-based superior officer, because in every single scene but one, she’s lounging round in her underwear, or naked in the hot tub. In other words, this is chuffing stupid.
Getting a heck of an introduction is Santiago’s chief goon Jewel Panther (Strain). She’s a former Penthouse pet, as are most of Sidaris’ female cast (that or “Playboy”), and went on to a fairly busy 15 year career in terrible movies. We first met her in “Witchcraft 4”, where she does a special intro to the DVD, appearing entirely naked in her bathroom for reasons unknown. She tries, bless her, but she’s not helped by the movie thinking she’s the most amazing thing in the history of ever, giving her dozens of long, lingering closeups that the action doesn’t warrant. A particular non-favourite is when we’re treated to a few minutes of her doing a sword-kata, by firelight, while dressed in a tiny leather bikini that doesn’t actually cover any of her breasts up (just frames them).
So you’ve got these guys, stumbling upon the gold, and Santiago and his goons trying to track them down, not for the gold which they don’t know about immediately, but for revenge. Noble comes to town too, and she and Dickson also go to the wilderness to help out. The second half then becomes a people-in-the-woods movie, of which we’ve seen so many here at the ISCFC, with the added Sidaris family trick of having a helicopter constantly attack them.
I had a little criticism of the directing before, but there’s a lot to hate here. “Enemy Gold” makes strip clubs look extremely boring, although perhaps they’re that boring in real life. Who knows? The ever-present sax-based soundtrack grates after 10 minutes, so by 90 you’re wanting to shove that bloody saxophone through the director’s skull. The exact same trick, of a hot woman tricking a bunch of goons into letting their guard down, is used twice. The assassins that Santiago hires (because of course) have maybe the dumbest plan in the history of plans.
Lastly, how about two of the most crowbarred-in sex scenes of all time? Santiago gets some mildly annoying news, so to cheer himself up he grabs two of his own prostitutes and has sex with them in the shower (which does have the great exchange – “what’s up?” – “I am”, so it’s not a complete loss). The other one? After the big shootout at the end! They basically interrupted the end of the movie to show a crappy sex scene!
What this manages to be is dull. It’s not stupid enough to be funny, not visually interesting in the slightest, packed full of performances that are terrible even by “Girls, Guns and G-Strings” standards, and shows how, just because your Dad is a director, doesn’t mean you should be one too.
Rating: thumbs down