Our Andy Sidaris season continues! We’ve got most of the 12-film “Girls, Guns and G-Strings” box set to go, and a couple of films from the 1970s too if we can find them, so there’s plenty of…well, all three coming to the ISCFC over the next few weeks. We thoroughly enjoyed both “Malibu Express” and “Hard Ticket To Hawaii”, warts and all, so fingers crossed Sidaris can keep the run going.
There’s a plot to this movie, kind of. Salazar, aka Picasso Trigger (John Aprea, a decent regularly working actor) is killed while donating a $3 million portrait of the fish that shares his name to a charity in Paris. The guy responsible for all this is Miguel Ortiz (Rodrigo Obregon), who’s making some sort of powerplay for the drug trade that he and Salazar were involved in; he’s also super-annoyed with the heroes of the last movie for killing his brother, so sends out teams of assassins to bump them off in nicely convoluted ways, often involving remote-controlled devices.
There are a lot of returning players from the previous movie, even though you literally need to remember nothing to enjoy this one (except, perhaps, that none of the Abilene boys can shoot worth a damn). It gets a little overwhelming really quickly, so I’ll try and help out as much as possible. There’s government agents Travis Abilene (Steve Bond) and his partner Jade (Harold Diamond); then there’s another team of agents, Donna (Dona Spier) and Taryn (Hope Marie Carlton). Travis and Donna are a thing, even though I think she was with a different member of the Abilene clan at the end of “Hard Ticket To Hawaii”. Then there’s Pantera (Roberta Vasquez, soon to be a Sidaris regular), who we saw “undercover” with Salazar at the beginning; she’s also an agent.
Then there’s their boss, LG Abilene (the amazingly named Guich Koock), the two strippers who are also agents, Kym and Pattycakes (played by “actors” with the names Kym and Patty, so I’m guessing it wasn’t a big stretch for them – they were in the last movie too), and another agent called Edy (Cynthia Brimhall), who I honestly have no memory of at all. The gigantic bodybuilder who looked after Kym and Pattycakes shows up a few times too, and there’s the three different teams of assassins who work for Ortiz, all of whom are given characters and a decent amount of screen time.
You might be thinking this seems like a lot of people for a fairly light, boobs ‘n’ guns movie, and you’d be right. There are so many people in this movie that it’s really pretty difficult to keep track, even if you’re ignoring the huge amount of female nudity and concentrating on the plot. It feels like Sidaris wanted to give work to all his friends, so ended up cramming in half the cast of his previous movie, even though there was nothing much for them to do. Characters wander in, have a fight or some sex, then wander off again, not to be seen for half an hour.
The plot as described above pretty much covers everything you need to know. A large group of good guys and a large group of bad guys occasionally try and kill each other. There’s a chap called The Professor, an old man with a hot blonde wife, and he designs gadgets for the good guys to use – this mainly involves taking normal things and just sticking bombs to them. A radio controlled car and most brilliantly a boomerang are turned into deadly weapons this way; now, one might think a boomerang would make a poor weapon, given it, er, comes back to you, but these agents make it work!
Again, it’s difficult to be offended by most of it, because it’s so warm and playful. The women mostly give as good as they get, although there are a few glaring exceptions. Travis, when he meets Pantera, realises she was his old girlfriend in college (bit of a coincidence they’re both working for the same secret organisation, but whatever). They have sex, because of course, and when he gets back to the secret base, we realise he’s in a relationship with Donna, who I think was with the other Abilene brother in the previous movie? She gets upset and accuses him of cheating, but he sort of laughs it off. I mean, you did cheat, right? Then she says “I don’t have a jealous bone in my body. Look” and disrobes. Hurrah for feminism! It turns out, in the least shocking news ever, that Pantera is a bad ‘un, which negates the cheating, I guess.
A word for the largest amount of local product placement perhaps ever. I get the feeling Andy Sidaris was a gifted talker, as he persuaded a ton of local businesses to let him use their stuff in return for featuring their name prominently in scenes. So there’s a helicopter place, several boat places and plenty of bars which I imagine had confused tourists wandering in hoping to see blonde Playboy models for years afterwards.
There’s twists and turns and light comedy and weak hand-to-hand combat and stupid weapons, and it’s a typical Andy Sidaris movie (I feel comfortable making that blanket judgement after watching 3). Way too many characters, not the smartest script ever, but if you’ve already bought the “Girls, Guns and G-Strings” box set – and I highly recommend it – you might as well watch this one too.
Rating: thumbs up