As well as being part 6 of the super-inaccurately-named “Zombi” series, “Absurd” is also a video nasty. Not only was it one of the 72 movies listed by the Director Of Public Prosecutions, it was one of the 39 successfully prosecuted under the “Obscene Publications Act”, making it the worst of the worst.
And now you can watch it on Youtube. How times have changed, eh? May it be a lesson to people who attempt to stir up moral panics in the future (although I’m sure no-one will learn). To complete the “huh?” factor, “Zombi 6” is actually a sort-of sequel to “Zombi 7”, aka “Antropophagus”, another video nasty. Both directed by Joe D’Amato, both starring George Eastman, and both featuring a scene where he gets his guts ripped out. It’s a big, wide, wonderful world we live in!
“Absurd” starts with what looks like the end of the most extreme game of Tag ever, as Mikos, a dishevelled chap (Eastman) is running away from a rather unhappy looking man (Edward Purdom), only to get his guts ripped out and collapse on the doorstep of the Berger family. The Bergers consist of a comically indifferent set of parents, Ian and Carol, and their children Katia and Willy. Willy might be the worst child actor in the history of the world, and Katia is paralysed, strapped down to a bed to stop her from ruining whatever healing process is going on. Remember, paralysed, because this will be important later on.
As Mikos is taken to a nearby hospital (which is once again, barely lit – how many hospitals do you know that have any murky areas, anywhere?), the staff there are shocked by the rapidity of his healing, so the police gets brought in, and the unhappy man catches up to them. Turns out he’s a priest, and Mikos was being experimented on as part of some church-sponsored scientific thing – Mikos can regenerate any damaged or dead tissue (apart from the brain), and is now effectively immortal. On top of all that, the drugs they gave him turned him insane, and he’s all about killing. No eating of body parts or drinking of blood, Mikos just wants to saw your brain in half, or stick a drill through the base of your skull, or put your head in an oven.
I’d have been so disappointed if I’d tracked this down at great expense in the 1980s, expecting a gore-fest, and just gotten tedium. In what is almost the main plot, it takes up so much time, the two parents and a bunch of their friends are getting together to watch a big NFL game; we see actual footage of a Steelers / Rams game, and the commentator seems to be commenting on the action taking place, which is a nice bit of attention to detail. While this is going on, they leave their kids in the house – a house which had a guy with his intestines hanging out in it just a few hours ago, lest we forget – with the babysitter, who gets killed, and then another babysitter, who also gets killed. I wasn’t sure about that bit, perhaps it was a babysitting tag team.
The crucial element of this movie is the kids. Willy is so irritating I’d have happily killed him myself, and they picked a shrieking moron to dub his voice too. After being a pain in the arse for most of the movie’s run time, babysitter 2 tells him to run over to where his parents are at, because there’s a killer in the house – instead, he waits outside for a few minutes then hops back in through a window, forcing babysitter 2 to emerge from her secure hiding spot to rescue him, which directly leads to her death. But he’s not done! He then stands outside Katia’s room, begging to be let in, and for what feels like 10 minutes (but is probably more like 1) he screams “let me in Katia! Please let me in! I’m begging you!” over and over. He knows his sister is literally unable to move, right? But she spends an hour (okay, 2 minutes) undoing the straps which held her to the bed…and it turns out she can walk around just fine, although he’s run away by the time she manages to get up. Screw you, movie, screw everything about you.
I hated this so much. I hated that it ripped off “Halloween” but didn’t bother copying any of its good qualities. I hated the pathetic levels of gore. I hated that it was called “Zombi 6” but didn’t have any zombies in it. And wow, did I hate that kid. If any of you happen upon Kasimir Berger at a horror convention or anything like that, please kick him for me, several times. Not well-written, not well-acted, not interesting, not funny, not scary, not anything. I feel bad for everyone who’s ever been fooled into spending money on this.
I wish Joe D’Amato had just stuck to porn, because then at least I wouldn’t have bothered watching any of his miserable films.
Rating: thumbs down