I’m 6 movies in, and there’s still the entire length of the longest series we’ve ever covered (Friday 13th and Puppet Master each have 10 in their “canon”) to go! Why did I think this would be a good idea? There has to be a limit on the human brain’s capacity to tolerate crap, right? My friend Ben on Facebook talks about the cool stuff he watches regularly, all arthouse and award-winning, and I have…the sixth Witchcraft movie!
Let’s see if we can have some fun with it though, eh? William Spanner, moderately useless lead character of the previous four instalments (I don’t think we can blame him for part 1, he was only a baby) had, I thought, become a cop. There’s a wacky cop duo – one bald and constantly cracking jokes; the other so painfully generic that it’s 12 hours since I watched the movie and I can barely remember a thing about him. I thought cop no.2 was our guy, but it turns out they hadn’t quite reached their quota of white guys who can’t act worth a damn; Jerry Spicer becomes the third adult to play the part.
A quick aside, because almost anything is more fun than talking about this movie – if you look at Spicer’s IMDB profile, you’ll notice two things. One, he’s not got a photograph, the sign of un-quality; and two, all his other roles apart from this are “guard #4” and “man at bar”. How this perennial bit part guy got a starring role is a conundrum best left to the ages, but never mind that as we’ve got a movie to get back to.
A big guy and his extremely hot sidekick Cat (Shannon McLeod, perhaps the only cast member who realises how terrible this all is and has fun with it) are seducing women, injecting them with some weird liquid then taking them to their boss, who has the power to create a pentagram on their bellies by just touching them. It’s a whole thing about an upcoming total eclipse, and wanting to bring Satan back, you know, the usual. Bald Cop and Generic Cop are chewed out by their Captain so, poring over crime scene photos, they find a clue and, thinking outside the box, bring in an expert on the occult to help them crack the case. Quite how anyone knows that Will is an occult expert is beyond me, given he never expresses any interest in it and seems determined to put that part of his life behind him.
The main villain is Savanti (the unfortunately named Brian Nutter), and compared to the guy from part 5, he’s almost comatose. He sends Cat to hire Will, bringing him into their world and also trying to seduce him; if Savanti had left well enough alone, his plan would’ve worked flawlessly and Satan would right now be flaying the flesh from all our bones. Ah well. Anyway…god, this plot is thin and unappealing. All the ladies in the movie disrobe at the drop of a hat – Cat has sex on a car bonnet right next to a street where several cars pass; as I’m sure they didn’t close the set, some lucky / unlucky commuters got an eyeful that night. Will’s wife Keli has a bath on her knees so the camera can see her boobs properly. You know, the sort of thing that we lovers of the lower end of the cinematic universe have come to understand, sadly, is just part of the price of admission.
This movie drags, and drags, and drags. And it’s stupid, too, but I’ll only give you one example because thinking about this movie is making me sad. At one point, Savanti’s main goon goes to Will’s house to kidnap Keli. Keli is smart, though, and hides, stabbing the goon with a pair of scissors. There’s presumably blood and fingerprints everywhere, we know the guy’s name and where he works, and Will has a couple of friends in the police department. CALL THE COPS! But no, Will and his cop friend go and do something else instead, leaving his traumatised wife alone.
If you really like boobs, and I mean a lot, then there’s worse ways to spend 90 minutes than with this movie. It tries to be funny (even though it fails) and Shannon McLeod is always fun when she’s on screen. But it’s got a dull villain, an astonishingly dull star, basically the same plot as the last movie and looks like a cheap episode of a TV show. And it goes to show that hacky, exploitative crap is not just the domain of men! Writer / director Julie Davis would go on to slightly better things, but she doesn’t exactly cover herself in glory here. It’s not the worst Witchcraft (I think part 2 wins that) but it’s still really bad.
Rating: thumbs down