The Warrior And The Sorceress (1984)

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ARRGHHHH IT’S ANOTHER “A FISTFUL OF DOLLARS” RIPOFF

Regular readers may cast their minds back to yesterday’s review, where I was less than thrilled that cheap android movie “Omega Doom” used the plot of the Western classic “A Fistful Of Dollars” (or “Yojimbo”, if you like the source). At least, I thought, I wouldn’t have to watch the same plot again for some time. How wrong I was! My friend Dave suggested this for our “Awesome Movie Monday” night, knowing nothing about it other than the name, David Carradine starring in it, and the trailer, which promised much. If he’d known it was the same plot as the rubbish movie I’d watched the previous night, he’d…well, he’d have still made us watch it. He’s that sort of person.

 

This particular gem has something of a lurid title, as you may have noticed, and coming at the time it did, in the middle of the sword-and-sorcery trend (mainly a result of Italian and Spanish locations, crews and backing actor, with just the stars being American), you might have expected it to have some swords and some sorcery in it. Of course, as the construction of this paragraph has already told you, you would be wrong. “The Dark One” (Carradine) has one fight near the beginning, and – OK – one excellent fight near the end. But I wouldn’t call him a warrior in the same way I wouldn’t call Eastwood’s Man With No Name a warrior.

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I suppose we ought to discuss the sorceress, Naja (a lady by the name of Maria Socas). Now, while the all-time greatest “constantly nude” performance is Mathilda May in “Lifeforce”, Socas runs her a pretty close second. Although…even at times when she both could and should put some clothes on, she’s naked to the point you start to feel a bit sorry for her. Why so naked? Still, she’s had a pretty decent career in her native tongue and doesn’t need my vague pity. There’s one other decent supporting person, and that’s Anthony De Longis, whose cheeky grin lit up many an episode of “Highlander: The Series” and who is a fantastic sword-fighter for real. So, of course, the movie gives him one fight, right at the end. It reminds me of having Jean Claude Van Damme in “Cyborg” and making him fight like an old boxer.

 

Anyway, the plot. Carradine wanders into town, there’s a well with two groups feuding over it. They’re both assholes and treat the villagers like dirt, so Carradine starts playing them against each other until they’re all dead. Or most of them are dead. Honestly, I’d stopped bothering by the end because this movie sucked hard. At least it’s short, I suppose.

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There’s really not a lot to like about “The Warrior And The Sorceress”, and not much of any worth to write about. But I’ll give you a little bit of something, which indicates the contempt the people who made this had for their audience. Below, you will find the trailer. Now, I know it won’t mean anything to you as you’ve not seen it, but the trailer features at least three scenes, all of which look quite exciting, that aren’t in the final movie at all. Now, I may have watched the weirdly edited UK version, or something, but I bet those scenes didn’t get finished and they couldn’t be bothered to take them out of the trailer too.

Aside from De Longis, who looked like he was trying, and the lovely nude lady, this is absolutely worth ignoring. If some friend says “hey, the trailer looks good, let’s watch this!” then immediately stop being friends with them. Actually, I do have one more thing. In 1983, the year before this came out, “National Lampoon’s Vacation” did a parody of the fantasy movie poster – check it out, it’s a great poster. So, how lazy would a movie have to be to use the same old lame clichéd poster, with exactly the same poses?

 

Rating: thumbs down

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