The wonderful thing about low-budget cinema is that it’s seemingly a bottomless pit of stuff. Every time you think you’ve got a pretty good handle on the main players, some other company you’d never heard of, working out of a small town in seemingly complete obscurity for years, comes to light. Today’s example of that is Hack Movies, who operated in and around the St. Louis area from 2003 to 2010, making a ton of movies and short films with the company tagline “Where Comedy Punches Horror In The Balls”.
I think the simplest way of describing this would just be to lay the plot out for you. By the end of this paragraph, you’ll either be in and will ignore anything else I say, or you’ll think I’m some sort of lunatic. So, here goes…Nixon is busy trying to masturbate when his friend Hogan calls him for no reason. The two of them meet up at Nixon’s house to smoke some weed, they only have a tiny amount but luckily Santa comes in with Nixon’s present, a huge bag of weed which he stole from Sasparilla the Weed Witch. Unfortunately, Santa grabbed the wrong bag, and smoked some on the way from the North Pole, so the voodoo weed he took has turned him into a zombie, sort of. So, Nixon and Hogan have to deliver the last three of Santa’s presents, while putting up with an evil shaman and a super-villain; Santa chills out until a couple of women with a Santa fetish come round and have sex with him. Sasparilla then decides to steal the spirit of Christmas by raping a vicar and then raping Santa (the spirit of Christmas being located in his anal cavity, obviously). Can our two heroes defeat the witch and stop Santa from going full zombie? Will they get a proper bag of weed?
To call this movie low-budget is almost certainly to overestimate how much money was spent on it. It could well be the cheapest movie we’ve ever covered, and the fact I enjoyed it as much as I did is testament to the demented genius of writer/director/producer/co-star Kevin Strange. As you probably grasped above, this movie feels like it was plotted by a group of extremely drunk / high individuals just riffing on each other – “so, then Santa comes down, but he’s a zombie, and…”, but the huge difference here is that Strange and his friends actually got up off their sofas and made this movie. Whenever anyone says “I could have thought of / done that”, what they’re missing from the end of the statement is “but I’m far too lazy to have gone through with it”. Not Strange, though (who now writes novels which I’ll be checking out soon).
Nixon and Hogan are a bundle of weird tics formed into two characters. Hogan (Strange) never walks normally, but twirls and stomps and waves his arms and gibbers; Nixon just wants to get high and watch porn, but shouts angrily at everyone, along with putting “piece” at the end of at least one word in every sentence (the Hack Movies house style, I believe). They, and everyone else, talk in a sort of super-exaggerated spin on rap slang (swearing almost constantly), and in terms of acting, everyone starts off at the wildest point of overacting you’ve ever seen, and just goes from there – it’s truly a wonder to behold. Everyone appears to absolutely believe in Hack Movies and gives it their all. Also, and this might be a dealbreaker for some, it shares a fascination with poop with “Bikini Bloodbath Christmas”, but pushes it to even grosser extremes.
Now, I understand it’s stupid to review a movie this bizarre in anything like a normal way. It’s made for no money and is about stoners helping zombie Santa defeat a witch who makes enchanted weed. So while I’ll give it a slight demerit for its obsession with anal rape (plus, Santa calls our two heroes “homophobes”, but they’re far too stupid to have their opinions worried about) it deserves far more praise. I think, if you watch the first five minutes of the movie and the tics and weirdness doesn’t put you off, you’ll have a fine time – if you want to punch them after that time, things definitely don’t improve, so just abandon it.
If you’ve got love in your heart for the most bargain basement of bargain basement movies, insane overacting and humour that never strays far from the toilet, then I think Hack Movies could be the company for you, and “Nixon and Hogan Smoke Christmas” could be the entertainment to pop on while you and your family are all gathered round the fireplace with your glasses of sherry.
Rating: thumbs up