Land Of Doom (1986)

Don't know who they are, but they're not in this movie

Don’t know who they are, but they’re not in this movie

If you’re a bandit leader in a post apocalyptic situation, I’d probably recommend not indiscriminately slaughtering everyone you come across. Villagers, that poor mass of cannon fodder, do useful stuff like keeping infrastructure in good repair and growing the food that you steal. At some point they’re all going to be dead and neither you nor any of your goons will have learned any of the important life skills like planting crops and sewing those lovely leather outfits you future-people seem to enjoy so much.

 

And if you’re a remotely discerning movie viewer, I’d definitely recommend not watching this tedious garbage. Boom! Nailed it! Star of this particular delight is Deborah Rennard as “Harmony”, a striking blonde who survives the slaughter of her village and decides to…actually, I’m not sure what she’s doing. Probably trying to kill the guy who did it, but it’s really never made clear. She’s a badass, described on IMDB as a feminist but really just angry…and who can blame her? Every man who meets her wants to kill her or rape her, which might have at least something to do with her being the only woman in the entire movie (certainly the only one who doesn’t get immediately shot).

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All men bar one, that is – Anderson (Garrick Dowhen, looking like a low-rent Thomas Gibson), who’s also after the warlord Slater. She finds him bleeding in a cave, and he says he’s been there for days, indicating he’s close to death. But no! He’s fine, he just needed some motivation to get up and get going, it would seem. So, the two of them wander through the wilderness for a bit, before having a confrontation with Slater, and then setting up a sequel which most definitely never came thanks to one of the stupidest “we ran out of money, will this do?” non-endings it’s been my displeasure to watch. The actors at least tried, the filmmakers just gave up really quickly.

 

That’s really it. If you like seeing normal bikes with sort of cardboard armour glued to them riding round Turkey, then this might be the movie for you; otherwise, almost certainly not. The sole moderately interesting thing is the location – the cave villages of Turkey, one of the more unusual places to live on Earth. But when you’ve had enough of looking at them, and realise no-one’s going to drop in a weird out of place reference to how great Islam is (like the even-more-terrible-than-this “Turkish Star Wars”), then there’s really nothing remotely interesting about “Land Of Doom”. Okay, if you’re really trying to find entertainment, there’s a bunch of guys who dress like Jawas (talking of Star Wars), and a closing theme devoted to our star, called “Harmony’s Land of Doom”, which is awful-ly good fun.

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I don’t imagine Deborah Rennard gives two hoots about us mocking her old movie, though (perhaps Garrick Dowhen might, as he never acted again). Mostly retired since 1997, she’s married to two-time Oscar winner Paul Haggis, who wrote “Million Dollar Baby”, “Crash”, a couple of recent James Bond movies, and was the creator of “Due South”, one of my favourite TV shows.

 

I would recommend looking elsewhere for your cheesy 1980s post-apocalyptic fun. Check this list out, I reckon a good 90% of them are more entertaining than this.

 

Rating: thumbs down

 

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2 thoughts on “Land Of Doom (1986)

  1. Pingback: Ewoks: The Battle For Endor (1985) |

  2. Pingback: The VRAs: Delirium (1979) |

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