Mission: Killfast (1991)

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This is a seriously brilliant title for a movie, isn’t it? Something about it just makes me smile. And when I discovered it was a Ted V Mikels film, I smiled even more. He’s responsible for “The Astro-Zombies” (chips implanted into peoples’ skulls by aliens turn them into killers); “The Corpse Grinders” (cat food manufacturers use dead bodies, which gives cats a taste for human flesh); and movies with such delightful titles as “Blood Orgy Of The She-Devils” and “Children Shouldn’t Play With Dead Things”. He seems to have largely retired from the business between the early 80s and the late 90s, only to return with sequels to his most “famous” movies in recent years (we were treated to “Astro-Zombies 4” and “Corpse Grinders 3” in 2012, for instance).

Which makes the 1991 date for “Mission: Killfast” a little curious; more so when it looks nothing like a 90s movie. Turns out it was filmed in 1982 but they ran out of money – I didn’t notice any obvious weirdness in the footage, which indicates the only things missing were special effects. Anyway! I need you to bear in mind that this film doesn’t really make a lot of sense, so I’ll try and recap it but I might be miles off from what Mikels intended (beyond “knocking a dumb film out quickly to make a few bucks”).

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Weirdly, this isn’t even the first “whoops, someone stole our nuclear triggers” movie we’ve covered – that award goes to one of the Bloodfists. The guy who stole them in this one, though, is double-crossed by his girlfriend; then she’s double-crossed about 30 seconds later by a group of unattractive, overweight white guys, who are probably the villains throughout the movie. They might not be, because there’s a lot of unattractive, overweight white guys. These guys want to sell the triggers, plus a bunch of other weapons, to…some terrorists, I think? There’s a jungle base for someone, and I guess that’s theirs. Or it might not be. Who knows?

Against these guys are a couple of CIA agents, and their secret weapon, retired agent turned martial arts school owner / international superstar Tiger Yang (he’s just returned from a world tour, although what he was touring is a mystery the movie never reveals). Playing himself (?), he allows himself to get brought back into the “business”, and helps the CIA agent, plus their various undercover operatives, for the rest of the movie. He brings in his students as a crack strike-force, and they sort of help in one of the most under-rehearsed movie fight sequences of all time…then you sort of forget about them, until they’re brought back again for the big fight at the end. I was like “who are those guys? How did they get to that island?” for a good minute until it dawned on me.

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This movie could have the ugliest cast ever. Unfortunately even beating out the lumpy old guys is the undercover model for the girly magazine run by one of the bad guys. She’s, to be fair, not your typical model in build or attractiveness, and she can’t act worth a damn either – given her resume is entirely Ted V Mikels movies, I’ll hazard a guess they’re married?

Reading back through my notes, the movie, if anything, makes less sense. It really must be watched to be believed. The title doesn’t come into play til the last 10 minutes, and just means “we need to kill everyone quickly”. The insane “disguise” from the main bad guy! The number plate which reads “111111”! The fact Tiger does basically nothing for most of the movie, and delivers several incomprehensible one-liners! Pondering the business model of a girly magazine which seems to feature fully clothed shots of fairly unattractive women! The rocket launcher!

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I think this movie will be revisited many times. It’s packed to the rafters with stuff, and while it’s all bad, it never stops moving for a moment – bored is definitely not a word you’d use to describe your reaction to “Mission: Killfast”. Confused, yes.

Rating: thumbs up

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