If you want to make a really OTT film, hire a bunch of porno actors.
That is the message of this film, an early one from Jeff Centauri, who’s one of those people who can turn their hand to anything – he’s written, directed, acted, been a stunt co-ordinator, done motion capture for computer games, photographed and done special effects. The first thing that appears on screen is “A Jeff Centauri Madness”, which is a pretty good indicator of how things are going to go.
This film could, broadly, be called a low-budget parody of “The Fast And The Furious”, but that doesn’t do it justice at all. Dale DaBone, who surely has one of the all-time great adult actor names, is Max Spears, a mechanic with a love of street racing, and the main threads of the story are started at a street racer gathering. He’s got a beautiful girlfriend, Brittany (Noname Jane, one of the other great names), and a former friend turned rival, Rico, who’s also Brittany’s ex. Now, here’s where things get crazy, and you’ll either read the next paragraph and immediately try and track this down or abandon this review.
Rico beats Max and wins his car because of his nitro system, which is powered by…here goes…his father’s radioactive sperm. Turns out that papa Hornero Martino (Mike Horner, who cornered the market for a while with XXX parodies like “Not Bionic Woman And The Million Dollar Man XXX”) was brought up in a village with high radioactivity, and this has left his sperm with several supernatural properties – it’s the world’s most addictive drug, it’s a high explosive, and it can super-charge an engine. YES!!
So, Max has to build an even better car to win the big Car Wars race, Rico has to try and sell his father’s sperm to drug dealers, and the two sides continue to clash. The other bit of story is the title, and it’s Brittany (whose surname in the movie is Sears, which is just bizarre with a boyfriend called Spears, even if they mention it at the end). She passes out if she’s in a car going above 30 mph, but when Max gets his leg taken out by one of Rico’s goons, her lightning-fast reflexes need to be put to use driving the car for him…if only she can figure out a way to get over her tachophobia.
That’s a pretty basic framework for what is a refreshingly insane film. First and foremost, in case you were thinking of popping this on with your grandma, there’s a lot of sex in here. Centauri has produced three versions of this – one with more explicit scenes, which remains unreleased; the version I saw, which is the unrated cut released on Amazon; and an R-rated version which was made when it got picked up for mainstream distribution. Honestly, the sex scenes are an odd bunch. The editing is strange, and all the scenes are “typical” softcore ones – there’s a couple that want to have sex but don’t want to get caught as they’re at work, for example. Rather than keep as fully clothed as possible and find somewhere off the beaten path, they get naked, lay themselves over some industrial equipment and have a nice leisurely session. Don’t worry, I appreciate questioning the logic of a sex scene in a film full of sex scenes is perhaps the weirdest thing I’ve ever done as a film reviewer. Also, more people get walked in on having sex in this than in perhaps any other movie, ever.
“The Fear Of Speed” also copies one of my least favourite choices of the “Fast And Furious” films, the decision to focus more on the flicking of switches and the changing of gears than the actual movement of the cars. As a non-driver, perhaps this is what drivers enjoy about these films, and there’s a certain energy to them, I suppose. What it does that F&F didn’t do (at the time, anyway) is have a bunch of really good fight scenes. The film’s fight co-ordinator acts too, as Max’s sensei, who just sort of turns up halfway through the film to help Max out in a fight then sticks around til the end. The fighting in this film looks like it belongs in a much higher-budget movie, and credit to everyone who did their own stunts as it looks great.
I’ve barely even scratched the surface of this film and how much I enjoyed it. If you can get past the first few minutes, which looks like decent home movie footage of an illegal street race, I think you’ll have a good time with this one. You’ll see Max’s mechanic, Sparks, also play two other roles in the movie (“Undercover Gay Cop” and “Lazy Scientist”) for absolutely no reason; Mike Horner and Voodoo (his son Rico) do truly wonderfully terrible Hispanic accents; you’ll see one of the wildest stunts ever, a couple having sex on the bonnet of a fast-moving car; you’ll see a fight scene apparently set on a spaceship (there was a spaceship set in the studio the crew were filming in and they borrowed it) and you’ll marvel at the OTT performances of the cast, who are clearly enjoying the chance to shoot a normal film.
Finally, huge thanks to Jeff Centauri for answering my questions about the film. He seems like one of the good guys, so check out his website http://www.hollywoodninja.com to keep abreast of what he’s up to now.
Rating: thumbs up