Jersey Shore Massacre (2014)

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As far as Jersey Shore-based comedy movies go, the ISCFC has got you covered – we surprisingly enjoyed 2012’s “Jersey Shore Shark Attack”. But, two years further removed from the cultural phenomenon that the Situation, Snooki et al were (started in 2009, finished by 2012) is the world really crying out for more? Cast member JWoww thinks so, because this film bears her name as producer. What? They really paid those people way too much money if they can afford to be doing stuff like this.

Initially, I thought this film was going to be similar to “Versus”, the insane / wonderful Japanese movie where all the bodies that the Yakuza have buried in the forest come back to life and start eating people. Some Italian crime types are out in the woods, there’s a screaming woman drenched in blood tied to a tree, then everyone gets sliced up by an entirely off-screen creature. So far, so good!

You’ll have plenty of time to regret that initial feeling of optimism, dear reader. My wife absolutely nailed it when, referring to the producer, she said “I can’t tell if she’s entirely self-aware and this is what she knows people want to see happen to the Jersey Shore cast, or she’s completely and totally unaware of how stupid this is”.

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I’m going to have to go with the latter, sadly. Two car loads of “guidettes” are on their way for a fun weekend at the shore, they meet up with landlord Ron Jeremy but unfortunately the house they booked is occupied by a group of even less pleasant Hispanic ladies. So, one of them is the neice of a Mafia guy, he has a lovely house in the woods, they go there, then go back to the shore, meet up with a truly disgusting group of “guidos”, then take them back out to the woods. Unfortunately, this is close to the site we saw at the beginning, and eventually our hero starts murdering the cast.

I want to mention two scenes, and your opinion of them will probably dictate your opinion of the film as a whole. First up, as the car full of ladies arrives at the beach for a day of sunbathing, they drive their car onto the sand, and destroy a small cordoned-off area which has turtle eggs in it. Just to drive the point home, they are then seen stepping on the few remaining whole eggs. Then, a little later, one of the ladies needs to use the toilet, is unable to find one nearby, so just nips into the sea and does it there. A few minutes later, a sad-sack father and his son are walking along and the Dad steps in the fresh guidette-guano.

So, is the film punishing these people for being awful, or is this the filmmaker’s idea of comedy? Well, it’s sort of both, but the problem then becomes there is literally no-one to root for to survive the massacre. It’s someone, mostly unseen and unknown, attacking a bunch of horrible people.

The one thing it has going for it is being unafraid to bust out the blood. This is one gory film, where people get stuff chopped off, sliced up or burned. And, someone involved in this film tried to slip a few decent jokes in there – a cop shoots a guido accidentally and tries to plant a gun on him to make it look like self-defence, but the guido in question just had his hands shoved in a meat grinder.

While it might be interesting to see a film that bucks the narrative trend, it would be more interesting to see a film that was made a bit better than this. With most films, they have to pass through several layers of producers and film companies, and all the weird little bits will get sanded off. This, on the other hand, feels like it emerged straight from JWoww’s subconscious, unedited, so while it was a terrible piece of garbage, it was at least an interesting terrible piece of garbage.

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Rating: thumbs down

PS – this is the third film we’ve done in the last few weeks to feature Shawn C Philips, completely by accident – the other two being “Disaster Wars: Earthquake vs Tsunami” and “Ghostquake”. He’s working, Walter White-style, like he knows he’s not got long to live and is trying to make money for his family – check out his IMDB page!

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