Battle Earth (2012)

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There seems very little point attempting to do an actual review of this film. The video cover (seen above) entices you with what looks like a city-based aliens vs. soldiers shoot-em-up, and the title makes you think of “Battle: Los Angeles”, a high-budget film released around the same time. What it actually delivers is yet another in the sub-genre readers of the ISCFC will know and hate, the “people walking through the woods” movie, with occasionally glimpsed Cthulhu-lite aliens firing stupid lasers.

You can have fun trying to figure out how the film got made – best option, a semi-pro group of paintballers or Airsoft guys decided to write a film so they could star in it and feel like they’d achieved something (the weirdly slavish devotion to correct military tactics sort of bears this out). Perhaps a group of Canadians decided to redress the balance when it comes to the nationality of alien-fighting soldiers. If you read this, see the film and have your own ideas, leave em in the comments.

To quickly recap – an ambulance driver is in a crappy relationship, and then some aliens attack. 6 months later, he’s the medic with a group of soldiers that get trapped behind enemy lines, communication lines down, and have to protect MacGuffin-In-A-Box, which is an alien brain or egg or some such nonsense.

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There’s a grand total of one half-decent actor in this movie, and that guy sadly isn’t the star. After a house at the beginning of the film, we see no human structures again, because people will charge you to film in buildings, but if you wander out into the woods, you’re fine.

It’s not so much rotten as it is truly, completely, pointless. None of the people involved in the film seem to have any aptitude or desire for this line of work, and the director also wrote, produced, edited, and did the special effects, when he really should have stuck to the one of those five jobs he was any good at.

So here’s why I bothered writing this, after seeing this terrible, worthless movie. If you’ve collected $50,000 (a rough guess), and want to make a sci-fi film, why give that money to a bunch of non-actors without a scrap of charisma between them? Why not just find some college improv comedy troupe, ask “can you make a sci-fi film for this much money?” and give it to the first group of people who say yes? If you’re doubting it can be done, The Second City (Chicago’s famed comedy group) made the brilliant and satirical “The Monitors” in 1969; and Olde English made “The Exquisite Corpse Project” a few years ago.

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But there are people out there who would love to make a movie, and even if they failed, the failure would be more interesting than this piece of bland nothingness. I can’t even call this a failure, because it doesn’t appear like the people who made it tried in any appreciable way. That it has one interesting bit – the opening scene, set to a relaxation tape voiceover – makes it even more frustrating.

Watch literally anything else.

Rating: thumbs down

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