2-Headed Shark Attack (2012)

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After promising to leave the Asylum alone for a long while, here I am, back again. Surely a film with a title like this can’t be all bad?

The lesson of this film, ladies and gentlemen, is only go to a properly accredited place of learning. When you go to Hollywood Party University, they do stuff like hire fishing cruise boats as their technical nerve centres, and only have one radio on board, which can be rendered completely useless by bending the aerial a bit. This message can, I hope, save lives.

This film was aiming for multiple entrants for the “Denise Richards Award” – for being a very unlikely scientist. Charlie O’Connell, goofy brother of Jerry, is the teacher of a large group of models of both genders; and Carmen Electra is a doctor who happens to spend most of her screentime sunbathing to a cheesy musical accompaniment. The basic gist of the film is, this school-boat (which has a huge sign on it that says “Fishing Trips”) is off to…nope, not sure. They’re going for it, though, as they’re “hundreds of miles” from the shore when the boat breaks down, thanks to a shark getting caught in their engine and thrashing about. Their radio breaks, they have no emergency beacon or other method of calling for help, so they find a nearby atoll, apparently deserted, and some of the students go to shore to try and find help or metal to patch up the boat. A few stay on the boat, but these groups change pretty regularly throughout the film.

You don’t really need to know much more about the plot. A two-headed shark attacks a boat full of hotties, and that’s it. But if I had to guess, I’d say the Asylum thought the title would do all their work for them, and didn’t bother hiring any good actors or writing a decent script or anything like that. So I will try and crack the tough nut that is this film.

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Charlie O’Connell, Carmen Electra and Brooke Hogan are the three named actors in this one. Brooke Hogan is “famous” solely for being Hulk Hogan’s daughter; O’Connell for being Jerry’s brother; and I’m stumped as to why Carmen Electra is famous at all. Is there anyone out there who will watch a film just because she’s in it? Her scene which looks lifted straight from a bikini modelling shoot is absolutely ludicrous. All the students are model-beautiful, aside from one slightly geeky kid, of course.

For this apparently multiple-day excursion, they’ve brought nothing but bikinis. No food or water, and the boat is clearly nowhere near big enough to hold sleeping quarters for the 20-25 people on board. There is absolutely no way that having all those students on board wouldn’t involve a huge number of safety measures, certainly more than the none they had. When Charlie says that to activate their emergency beacon they’d have to scuttle the ship, I nearly threw something at the screen.

I’m not close to finishing listing the number of stupid things in this movie. Sleazy male student manages to talk two women, from a cold start, into a water-bound threesome – this is in the movie solely so we can see topless girls kissing and then getting eaten. I feel really sorry for the two of them, the actresses I mean.

Welding! The boat captain takes her underwater welding kit to fix the boat and is eaten; later in the movie, Brooke Hogan, despite having no experience of either diving or welding underwater, finds another kit and manages to patch the boat up – oh, that excursion to find scrap metal to fix the boat was pointless.

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The atoll! Aerial shots show a completely wooded island, but things are a little different when they actually set foot on it. There are multiple buildings, someone has left a gun lying around, and the jetty is made of concrete and has signs on it, indicating they just filmed in some run-down dock and couldn’t be even slightly bothered to dress the set to make it look like a real atoll. Oh, and there are perfectly maintained paths, a few of which have handrails. If you’re not going to even try to maintain your own fiction, why not do something fun with it?

Towards the end, the atoll starts to collapse into the sea for no reason – lucky all that seismic activity doesn’t interest anyone on the shore enough to come and, I don’t know, rescue them? – so our heroes are plunged into the water regularly. We’ve established that being in the water is bad, but they just sit there treading water for ages, despite a perfectly serviceable beach ten feet behind them. Do you all want to die?

Talking more about this film is just annoying me now. The Asylum have once again shown that, the odd fluke aside, they really don’t care about making stuff which is good or entertaining or logically consistent or anything other than cheap, with a stupid enough name to encourage a few idiots like me to spend money on them. This film is thick with the scent of “ah, this’ll do. Who cares?”

Rating: thumbs down

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UNSUNG HERO – Gerald Webb.  Just look at that credit list, and the tons of Asylum films he’s been in. That is a man who is prepared to WORK. Since 2010’s “Titanic 2”, it looks like he’s appeared in virtually every Asylum film, so Mr. Webb, we here at the ISCFC salute you.

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One thought on “2-Headed Shark Attack (2012)

  1. Pingback: Mercenaries (2014) |

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