Avalanche Sharks (2013)

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If it weren’t for the owners of holiday resorts needing to keep things open on the biggest weekend of the year, this site would have no films to review. Well, that and companies drilling where they shouldn’t. Never change, guys!

This is, amazingly, the second film about snow sharks that we’ve reviewed here, after the truly abysmal “Snow Shark: Ancient Snow Beast”. It’s safe to say that home movies of your second cousin’s christening would be more entertaining than that, so “Avalanche Sharks” clears that comfortably. But it’s also from the producers of “Sand Sharks”, one of my favourite recent films, so on the other hand it’s got a lot to live up to; although they hired director Scott Wheeler, previously known for the godawful “Transmorphers” sequel, so…anyway, time to get on with the film. Also, I suppose, given there’s no avalanches in this film, you could add it to our “misleading titles” series, but it’s not as bad as some.

There are way too many people in this film. I tried to make notes about them, but I just got bored of writing them after a while, so I assume you’d get bored reading them. It’s a ski resort, that looks like an actual ski resort that gave them permission to film; some sort of weekend bikini skiing contest, so tons of hot women with an aversion to dressing correctly for the temperature; the Sheriff, the lazy ski patrol guy and the sleazy owner; and several groups of friends up for Spring Break. It’s one of those films where I think people must have paid to be in it, or something, because otherwise they spend a lot of time building up cannon fodder.

“Sand Sharks” had a great central performance from Corin Nemec, and someone like him is what this film sorely needed. It’s got hints of the comedy that made that film so enjoyable, but in the end they can’t make a break from the “blood, boobs and beast” convention. Aside from a brilliantly unexpected ending, you could plan the beats of this film even if you’ve not seen as many of them as I have (almost 200 reviews, and that’s just since this site started).

There is no escape. Apart from going somewhere there's no snow

There is no escape. Apart from going somewhere there’s no snow

There is a drinking game for this film – every time they show stock footage of people skiing or snowboarding, take a shot. You will unfortunately be dead before the halfway mark, though. Also, if you want to make some sort of game for “every time someone is far too excited about a mundane holiday activity like going in a hot tub, take a shot” then that would probably just get you comatose.

Everyone who deserves to die, does so, there’s bits and pieces of fun, but ultimately you’ll be checking the clock before it ends, willing the snow shark to kill them all. For a film, also set in a ski resort, also about unlikely snow-based monsters, which will keep you entertained all the way through, I recommend “Ice Spiders” from 2007, starring oughta-have-been-bigger Patrick Muldoon.

Rating: thumbs down

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