Jurassic Shark (2012)

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2012 was a real banner year for Brett Kelly. Apart from directing maybe the worst film this site has ever seen – “Agent Beetle” – he also had the time to make this, another addition to the ISCFC’s ongoing mission to review every low-budget shark movie there is.

Not that anyone could possibly care, but the plot revolves around some drilling by some evil company that unleashes a prehistoric shark, the megalodon. This is near a beautiful deserted island somewhere, and the two groups of people who’ve decided to visit the island are some hot college students, one of whom is a journalist trying to expose the drilling company; and a group of thieves who’ve stolen a painting and try to make a water-getaway, only to get their boat eaten by the shark.

I occasionally wonder what I’m doing with my life. I’m sat here, slightly hungover, writing a review with a farting dog sleeping next to me, and Brett Kelly, a man with absolutely zero ability as a filmmaker, gets to hang out with model-beautiful women all day and make movies. He’s annoying because 99% of the audience of this film think “I could do better than him” and they’d be right. As we’ve proved on this site, budget is no hindrance to making a decent film, but ability is. I presume the extremely low budget was a tax write-off, or a money laundering scheme, or some pathetic attempt to get the crumbs from the table of the big boys by selling this to the sort of channels which show anything with bikini-clad women in it.

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One day, I’d like to see a film where a group of sunbathing women are shown as competent and resourceful, as opposed to eye candy. We’ve had “Tucker And Dale vs. Evil”, an amazing comedy which turned the cabin in the woods hillbilly tropes on their head; so the time is right for a movie which turns these tropes around. Although, in reality, with films like this I’d take anyone being resourceful and competent, because all you’re doing is just waiting for everyone but one or two of the hot girls and maybe the new love of one of them, to die.

Sadly, the lack of competence appears to extend to the entire cast and crew. Not a single good actor, the script is tired and cliched, the direction is boring, the sound is rotten and the camerawork is ugly. More so than even the films I see normally, this has depressed me and made me doubt what we do here. If you’re going to make a cheap movie as a tax dodge (let’s settle on that as a reaon for its existence) why not have fun with it? Why not hire a college improv team and say “here’s twenty grand, go make me a 75 minute movie about anything you like”?

There’s a good argument to be made that if you watch a film like “Jurassic Shark”, you deserve everything you get. I can see that, but as any long-term readers of our site will know, there’s good stuff out there hiding behind cheesy titles and promises of bare flesh. I think this will be our last interaction with Mr. Kelly – I advise you to look at his IMDB page and avoid everything on there.

Rating: whatever below “thumbs down” is

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2 thoughts on “Jurassic Shark (2012)

    • For sheer shark-based rottenness, I’d still have to give the edge to “Snow Shark: Ancient Snow Beast”; but reading this review back actually made me sad all over again.

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