Chupacabra vs. The Alamo (2013)


Never has a film happened where I’ve been more tempted to just leave the review entirely and type “do you seriously need anything other than the title in order to make your viewing decision?” I’m really surprised they bothered making a film – just have the title come up, have the stars stood round with goofy grins on their faces for a while, show everyone the special effect of the creatures, job done! But they bothered to make a film, just, so I ought to bother reviewing it.

After seeing some guys from Mexican Stereotype Casting Ltd get eaten by a creature that looks a lot like a really mad coyote, we are treated to a full bore display of SyFy Channel’s favourite movie trope, the unhappy father-daughter relationship. The father is Erik Estrada, best known for his turn on “CHiPs” as a motorcycle cop (in case you forgot, there is A LOT of him riding his bike in front of a green screen in this movie) and the daughter is probably wishing she could fire her agent.

Estrada is a DEA agent, and while investigating the murder of the hispanic gents from the beginning of the movie, they find and kill a chupacabra. Now, I’m no scientist but, if I’d had the first confirmed sighting of a mythical beast, anywhere in the world ever, I’d be a bit more excited than Estrada is, which is not at all. Perhaps he’s ill, because he drives away from there without bothering to say goodbye to his friend, who wanders off into the wilderness chasing his dog and then gets eaten. It takes a heck of a long time for anyone to even notice he’s not there.

Oh, there’s his new partner too, the beautiful Tracy (Julia Benson, from Stargate Universe), who has qualifications coming out of her ears but still has to endure Estrada’s sexist nonsense. They’ll learn to be friends and Estrada will learn the error of his sexist ways, of course, but the almost-sort of romantic moment they share in front of his dead wife’s grave is a bit surprising. Oh, she’s just transferred there but already has a local ex-boyfriend she’s now repulsed by? I mean, I’m an idiot and I spotted that straight away. Don’t you have people to check stuff like this, SyFy?

You’ve got tons of those slightly implausible plot developments which SyFy movies do so well – creatures tracking main cast members for miles all the way to their homes; people being skeptical long past the point when it’s sensible to be so; a disused factory; and an implausible teamup (this time, between hispanic thugs with a heart of gold, and DEA agents). The chupacabras are some of the worst CGI I’ve ever seen, but the gore effects are quite decent (and plentiful for a SyFy movie).

Awww, who's a cute little chupacabra?

Awww, who’s a cute little chupacabra?

The one interesting thing this film does is about the Alamo. Estrada has a “Remember the Alamo” sticker on his bike, and the hispanics seem less than thrilled to be there. I assumed it was the home of some slaughter of Mexicans by Americans, but it turns out that the Mexicans were the aggressors in this instance (although, no doubt they’d say there was provocation from the other side). The slaughter was of Texan soldiers, so perhaps it’s just emblematic of the loss of Texas to the USA? I must say I’m confused. Anyway, chupacabras invade the Alamo, and that’s the final battle scene.

It’s rubbish, obviously. Most of the film is just CGI dogs eating people in a variety of locations, with a bit of an investigation that goes nowhere and solves nothing. There are too many endings in this film – like, there’s a bit where you think “this would be a good spot for it to end” but then there’s more after it, then another, then another…It’s just a cheap, lazy shambles, barely even good for a laugh.

Rating: thumbs down


2 thoughts on “Chupacabra vs. The Alamo (2013)

  1. Pingback: Chupacabra Terror (2005) |

  2. Pingback: The ISCFC vs. The SyFy Channel |

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