Camel Spiders (2011)

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Don’t let the name of the director put you off – for some reason, Jim Wynorski likes to direct some films under the pseudonym Jay Andrews. Perhaps he’s afraid of people thinking the quality of his films might not be up to scratch if he directs so many of them every year? But if Jim directs some, and Jay directs some, problem solved. Well, apart from the film being no good problem, that is.

Brian Krause, boyfriend in later seasons of “Charmed”, is an army guy in charge of some people shooting at some other people, both groups of whom are behind some rocks. The Middle Eastern baddies, even though most of them are very obviously white guys in headscarves, get killed by CAMEL SPIDERS pretty quickly, and the central thrust of the film is when a bunch of them decided to go and shelter inside a corpse, which luckily for them is a US soldier being transported back home.

Even luckier is the way they choose to get it from wherever it lands to wherever it’s ending up. Not in some military truck or plane, but in the back of a fairly ordinary looking pickup truck, not tied down or secured in any way (oh, and the “coffin” is made out the cheapest materials imaginable). So, when a stolen car being chased by Sheriff C Thomas Howell crashes into them and the spiders escape, you know we’re in for a bad time.

All the Wynorski trademarks are apparent – cheapness, crappy special effects, and poor acting. I guess he’s a man who allows his fetishes to bleed over into his work in the same way Russ Meyer did, so the women who we should be thinking are the young, beautiful, desirable plot-drivers are actually former soft-core porn stars, who’ve spent too much time in a tanning booth and too much time under the surgeon’s knife. I’m not criticising the ladies who choose to look like that, and Wynorski is obviously happy with them, but…ah, maybe it’s just me who thought the visual was odd.

Throw in a bunch of cannon-fodder teens and make sure they spent almost no time inside buildings, because buildings means set building and ain’t nobody got time for that, and you’ve got yourself a movie. It’s by no means terrible, because that would at least be entertaining in its own way. It’s just like every other damn movie of this type, and we’ve reviewed enough of them to know every beat, every twist and despite an ending that could have been a surprisingly fun twist…it wasn’t. If you’re seriously reading this and deciding whether or not to watch it, DON’T. Read through these reviews and pick yourself something decent.

Rating: thumbs down

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