Raptor Island (2004)

"Terror...And Intense Boredom"

“Terror…And Intense Boredom”

Going from the world of 90s sci-fi B-movies back to the world of SyFy Channel originals is like going from drinking a decent-ish pint of beer in a nice pub, to drinking twig-filled ditchwater in the middle of an empty field. If you know no better than twig-filled ditchwater, it’s great, but you can’t really go back to it.

After seeing a plane crash, then zipping forward 40 years, we meet a whole mess o’ people. First up, is a team of Navy SEALs led by the magnificent but sadly mullet-less Lorenzo Lamas, who have tracked down a group of arms-dealing terrorists to an island in the South China Sea. Those bad guys have got themselves an agent of some sort (hinted at CIA? Who knows) as a hostage, but everyone’s plans go to pot when dinosaurs start attacking. It turns out that old plane that crashed had radioactive material on it, and caused the creatures on the island to mutate into dinosaurs? Were the dinosaurs already there, just small? I appreciate you will not know the answers to these questions, and they aren’t particularly important. Sorry, readers.

There’s fun to be had early on with the weird filming choices – as the SEALs chase the arms dealers across the ocean in their small boats, towards the island, we see them firing at each other – but they were clearly filmed at different times of day, in different bits of water, with different cameras. Then, during a gunfight on the beach, the cameraman appears to be having some sort of grand mal seizure – credit to you if you catch anything useful at all during this scene.

No expense spent

No expense spent

Sadly, there is little else to provide any interest or enjoyment in “Raptor Island”. As I was watching it, I turned to no-one and said “this is just going to be a people-wandering-round-the-woods movie, isn’t it?” And lo, so it came to be. They pop into a cave for a little while, but that isn’t enough on its own to relieve the tedium.

So, dinosaurs occasionally eat people, people occasionally shoot other people, and so it continues until mercifully the film decides to wrap it up. I’m not sure why I’m doing this – literally no-one cares about SyFy Channel movies from almost a decade ago, and I’m unlikely to drive traffic to this site with reviews like this. Oh, I’ve remembered! The sequel is called “Planet Raptor” and has got spaceships in it, and that’s the one I wanted to see. As long as none of the cast or crew come back for the second one, and it has at least a few scenes that aren’t in a damn forest, I should be alright.

I really ought to work on an article about the best way to watch these sort of movies – drunk with a large group of people would be a start. Sober, on your own, at 2pm? No thank you.

Rating: thumbs down

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2 thoughts on “Raptor Island (2004)

  1. Pingback: Planet Raptor (2007) |

  2. Pingback: The ISCFC vs. The SyFy Channel |

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