By gum, there’s a lot of fighting in this film. Just when you think some plot is going to break out, someone runs into someone else and there’s a flurry of punches and kicks. This film has more fighting than the previous record holder, “Hey, Everyone, Let’s Fight For A Really Long Time” (1973, USA).
I’d give you the plot, but it seems sort of pointless. Oh, go on then. There’s been an environmental apocalypse, and most of the survivors have been forced underground. There are a few people still living on the surface, and most of the people we see are baddies, the street gang “The Picassos”. Underground, we’ve got two good cops, Jason Storm and Zoey Kinsella (Billy “Tae Bo” Blanks and 90s queen Bobbie Phillips), and a bunch of evil cops who want to…god knows. Kill everyone on the surface, I think. Zoey dies and gets transformed into a robotic evil super-cop, Jason quits the force and goes topside, and there meets good guy Bolo Yeung who trains him and finds a bunch of guys to help him stop the evil cops and the Picassos at the same time.
That’s pretty much it in terms of plot. You won’t watch this film and go “dammit Mark! Why didn’t you tell me about the weird tower that they can turn on and it’ll heal the world’s atmosphere?” You will watch this film and enjoy an absolute ton of fighting, though. Everyone in this film can fight. The random hoboes that approach Jason can kick ass, and with virtually no guns in this world, all the cops are amazing martial artists too.
Zoey is turned into a TC2000X, which is an upgrade from the normal stuff the cops get, which is TC2000. She’s part-robot, and in no way does this feel like “Robocop” at all. Fortunately, while kicking ass and being an awesome robot cop she gets to keep wearing her high heels…apart from the stuff her stunt-double does, which being shown in slow motion gives you ample opportunity to see her wearing flats. Considering the incredible high-pitch of sexism that runs through so many movies, this barely registers, which is sad. What isn’t sad is Bolo Yeung as the surprise good guy. He’s so evil-looking that I think after he beats you up, he finds out where you live and then goes and beats your family up, just because – but in this film he’s the mentor, trainer and friend to Jason, and he seems to relish being a good guy for once.
I don’t think Billy Blanks relished anything, or hated anything. In fact, it’s extremely difficult to tell from his face BECAUSE HE’S A TERRIBLE ACTOR DO YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE He clearly wasn’t hired because he’s a regular when it comes to Oscar nominations. He does get one sweet comeback though, when one of the baddies goes “Time to die” and he replies “time to get a new watch” before knocking him out.
All these guys pale into insignificance, though, next to my favourite guy in the film. Bolo and Jason are getting their gang together, and most of them look like pretty badass guys, except for one man, who I’m going to give a superhero name, Middle-Aged Man Man. MAMM for short is just a guy who looks like he wandered into the training area on his office job’s lunch hour and decided to join in, and sadly he’s one of the first to die. But Middle-Aged Man Man, we salute you.
So, in conclusion, if you really liked “Project Shadowchaser 3” and see the DVD with this film on it too, then it might be worth a watch – or, if you’re on some weird monomaniacal mission to watch every sci-fi kung-fu film ever made (which, thinking about it, probably wouldn’t take you that long). Anyway, might as well give it a miss.
Rating: thumbs down