Captain Battle – Legacy War (2013)

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The greatest day in this film company’s history was when, about three pages down the list of comic book characters they were trying to licence, they found one that was so old and so obscure that no-one else had bothered with it. “Captain Battle” was created as an almost immediate ripoff of “Captain America” in 1941, lasted 12 issues in “Silver Streak Comics” and then disappeared into absolute justified obscurity. Until some company wanted to rip off “Captain America” again in the 21st century, that is.

Did you know ninjas drive sensible cars? Well, now you do. A middle aged farmer guy is sat around, and then pops out to his car and finds someone has planted a Nazi flag in there. Nazis! I hate those guys! The Nazi Ninjas drive off, so farmer guy chases them, and he clearly has skills because he kills the lot of them…apart from the guy in the distance with a rocket launcher, unfortunately. Are you a fan of explosions that are very obviously nothing to do with the thing that’s supposed to be blowing up? Then this is the film for you! The Nazis are after a briefcase with a MacGuffin in it, and farmer guy is our hero’s Dad, it turns out, but it’s not really that important.

Sam Battle is in the army, and after a brief chat with his scientist friend (it’s good that people on the front line can do medical research, with a folding table and three test tubes) goes on patrol. He’s with a female soldier, and clearly they told them to bring their own clothes from home, as they’re wearing different sorts of camo, different hats and different coloured shirts. It’s this attention to detail that lets you know you’re in for a good time.

Battle gets shot, or something. I’m surprised I paid enough attention to even remember that – then his scientist buddy swoops in with his back-yard super-soldier serum and Battle is brimming with power. Well, this isn’t strictly true, or at all true. He can take a beating and recover pretty quickly, but he’s not all that strong or smart or quick or anything. It’s the absolute barest minimum you could expect from your super-serum, is what I’m saying.

This film is a rich stew of absolute bargain-basement stupidity. Imagine, for one moment, that you and your friends sit down in the pub one evening and decide to make a film. Two provisos – you’ve only got an hour to write the script, and the funding for the film is limited to the money you have on you at that exact moment. That film would be better than this one is.

There are some straight thug Nazis in this film, and we see them in a strip club. Used as I am to the rather chaste world of Asylum and SyFy, seeing a real naked lady doing the stripping came as a bit of a shock. Poor woman! Anyway, despite there being a big black mean-looking security guard stood five yards away, the two Nazis pull a gun on a stripper and kidnap her, to take her to their breeding centre for new Nazis. This makes very little sense.

Sam Battle, his scientist mate and the scientist’s hot sister all meet up in a hotel room to get drunk. Why a hotel, when two of the three of them live nearby? I’m guessing no-one could find a normal house prepared to let them film, but I may be over-cynical. They try and figure out what’s going on, which involves trips back and forth to some undercover journalist who knew Battle’s dad – one of the weirder performances in the film, as he sounds like he’s reading out a short story rather than dialogue that a person might speak.

I can’t spoil this entire film for you, though. The last two pieces of the puzzle are the main bad guys – the beautiful Necromancer, who dresses in bondage gear and whose plan is confusing at best; and Heinrich Himmler, the Nazi who is still alive and young-ish looking in 2012, and whose face is bright red. The Red Skull is one of Captain America’s most popular villains, and Captain Battle of course had nothing similar, so to get round this rather blatant bit of copyright infringement they make his red skin the result of some undetermined illness. I sort of admire how cheeky they are.

The Necromancer providing you with the only reason to watch this film

The Necromancer providing you with the only reason to watch this film

This film is cheap even by the standards of this site. The Nazi training centre is a back alley somewhere; the special effects look like they’ve been borrowed badly from another film and just laid on top of the film here; and there’s a lot of scenes filmed as they drive round the city, from the back seat. The incidental music is often out of tune and completely inappropriate for the scene that’s going on, which I kinda sorta like, I suppose.

Perhaps the most insane choice made by this film, though, is a fight scene near the end as Battle, now wearing the superhero outfit that the journalist guy had been saving for him for decades, takes on a small group of Nazis. The scene, presumably to bulk the film out a little, is done in slow motion. Nothing wrong with slow motion, right? The problem is, the people doing the fighting aren’t very good at it. Punches and kicks miss by a country mile and everyone looks really unconvincing, so when this is slowed down it looks ten times worse. The people editing this film must have seen this! To have seen it but left it in just smacks of laziness above and beyond the call of duty – like these were the filmmakers who got fired by the Asylum for being too half-arsed. Compared to this, the local crack addict who they hired to play a cop in the final fight scene is almost a sensible choice.

I had a theory about this film somewhere near the halfway point, and once it was in my head it was impossible to shake. I think that this film was originally planned as a porn parody of “Captain America”, and they’d hired the actors and done all the preparation when the financing disappeared at the last minute. They had a few days to find a new property to base the film around, but so many of the scenes only really work if you imagine it breaking down and turning into an orgy ten seconds after the scene cuts.

It’s really, really bad. In case the rest of this review left you in any doubt. But it’s a special sort of bad – made by lazy people who should be nowhere near cameras, with disdain for the expectations of the audience that borders on contempt. It’s my fondest dream that the people who make stuff like this in order to make a quick buck off idiots (whose number I include myself amongst) all go bankrupt and are forced to recycle the materials wasted on the production of this into something more socially useful, like…literally anything at all.

Now THIS I'd have loved

Now THIS I’d have loved

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5 thoughts on “Captain Battle – Legacy War (2013)

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