Zombie Hunter (2013)

It’s Saturday afternoon, you’ve done everything you need to do for the day, so what can you do after that? Watch a zombie movie, of course!

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Luckily, this film doesn’t give you too much backstory before getting to the zombies. There’s a new drug called Natas (“Satan” backwards, which may be some subtle religious message on the part of the filmmakers), and it turns people into zombies, pretty much. The zombie virus doesn’t appear to be communicable in this particular universe, but still society has completely fallen apart in a year, with pretty much no-one being left alive.

This film really wants to be “Zombieland”, and they almost made it, just missing script, humour, and talent. Hunter will be our guide, as his raspy voiceover sort of gives us information about the state of the world now- it’s part Rorschach from “Watchmen”, part “Max Payne” (the computer game version, I’ve still not seen the film), and he must have found a hair-care kit because he’s got short hair with frosted tips, a year past the stage when barbers stopped doing business for ever.

Hunter gets shot and taken to a small settlement with the only humans he’s seen for a year. Now, I want to break this scene down a bit. He’s driving his car down the road, and the shot goes through the windscreen and hits his shoulder. Unless you’re the world’s greatest shot, you’ve got no idea exactly where that bullet is going, and certainly no idea where the speeding car will end up, sans conscious driver. Given they don’t appear to want to kill him, and don’t need him for anything, why not just wave by the side of the road and see if he stops? It makes less than no sense.

The wacky group of survivors is introduced then – slutty woman; virginal woman; fat slobby moron; grizzled old mechanic; teenage goofy-looking moron; and DANNY TREJO. The only reason anyone would give the remotest bit of a damn about this film, he plays a Vicar and we get not one but two different scenes of him slaying groups of zombies set to dubstep. They have half a plan to go to a nearby Army base, find a plane and fly to Hawaii and wait out the course of the zombie apocalypse, but this section of the film is just Hunter messing with the equilibrium of the five survivors.

On one of the walls of their building, are posters for “Orcs!” (never reviewed by this site) and “Ozombie” – reviewed here https://iscfc.net/2013/07/08/ozombie-2012/. As “Ozombie” is absolute garbage, I assume the same set of minds is behind both films – no, I don’t want to look it up. Thanks, guys! Feel free to go back to your day jobs!

After being introduced to a Resident Evil-style super-zombie, again with zero explanation, and getting a quick bit of pole dancing to keep the male viewership looking at the screen, they decide to set off for the airbase and get that plane. Obviously, most of them die on the way, but to preserve some sense of suspense I won’t tell you who. We get a bit of Hunter’s backstory too, how he was doing Natas one night, missed his own birthday and allowed his wife and daughter to get killed by…someone. The zombie apocalypse presumably hadn’t started by that point, but it’s hardly the worst error this film makes. He is motivated now by rage, he says.

Unfortunately, this rage doesn’t allow him to warn his friends that the plane they’re sat in is being slowly surrounded by zombies, which is a truly baffling moment. Is he trying to kill them all off? He’s either a scumbag or an unbelievable dumbass, and neither option speaks well of this film. But we do get treated to some Matrix-lite bullet-time fight scene towards the end.

This won’t mean a lot to most of you, but Hunter appears to be a straight lift of computer game superstar Max Payne. The voiceover (both in voice and style), the bullet-time (a staple of the games), the leather coat, all these are too similar to be a coincidence. I don’t know. It doesn’t make a lot of difference in the end, I suppose.

We’re treated to a minor but still noticeable “haha all our friends are dead!” moment at the end, after their plan fails and the film’s main characters die. Add to that a spectacularly stupid final few seconds of the film, and we’ve got a real loser on our hands. Did the makers of the film seriously sit down after the editing was done and go “yes, this film is both finished and great”? What was the creative spark that made them want to tell a story like this? What is the point of any of it?

There is one rather annoying motif running through this film that I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention. You know that thing where the action is so hot and heavy in a film that sometimes blood or dirt will splash on the screen of the camera? Well, it’s very rare, and outside of films where the camera is part of the film rather than the fourth wall, hardly ever used at all. During this film, I needed a 5-bar gate to count the number of blood spatters on the camera – 14 times. After the first time, you’re all “okay”, the second time you’re “huh?” and the fourteenth time you want to go and start a fight with the people who made “Zombie Hunter”.

Go stare at already-dried paint for 90 minutes, and have a roughly similar experience to watching this. AARRGGHHHH

"Psst...mate, which way out of this movie?"

“Psst…mate, which way out of this movie?”

EDIT: I have just discovered this film was the result of a Kickstarter campaign. To everyone who gave money: you’re idiots and should be ashamed of yourselves.

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One thought on “Zombie Hunter (2013)

  1. Pingback: The Crown and the Dragon (2013) |

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