Snow Shark: Ancient Snow Beast (2011)

Snow-Shark-610x857

Finally, a film which makes me nostalgic for The Asylum.

I don’t think this film deserves a proper review. It’s absolutely pitiful, like a few morons trying to copy the work of the late, great Don Dohler. So, what I’m going to do is break down the ways this film fails as a film – it takes a wrong turn with its characters, or the basic structure, or something like that. That review might at least be interesting in a way me telling you about a damned snow shark would not be.

A group of scientists die initially, then we get the opening credits – “Snow Shark – Ancient Snow Beast”. Why have “snow” in there twice? Anyway, how these things go is, the next group of people we see should be the stars of the film, on their way to town or waking up hungover or something. However, we just meet another group of people who die. Then there’s a town meeting which is absolutely packed with the director’s friends and family, not a pro actor among them…the people who I suppose you’d think of as the film’s stars don’t really come into it until about the halfway point, which is a stupid waste of the first half. I’m a know-nothing idiot and I could have told them that was a terrible way to organise their movie (maybe editor Mark Polonia, no-budget movie royalty, was ill that day, or perhaps he hated the director).

Another complete group of people die! This may be due to the funding of the film, like if you and your bros ponied up a few hundred bucks, you got your own death scene. Hope you’re pleased with how your money was spent, guys!

There’s a grand total of one good line in this film. A group of policemen call over their sheriff to inspect a body, and one person says “he’s not going to like this”. The reply is “of course he’s not going to like it, his son got eaten by a fuckin’ shark”. Well delivered, nice belly laugh from me.

We see the Mayor at home and at his office, and in both locations he has a “World’s Greatest Mayor” mug. Was he bought two identical mugs or does he just carry it round with him? Thanks to my lovely wife for pointing that one out. We also see a bar, which looks like a real bar, only made entirely out of plywood. There’s a brief glimpse out of the door and it looks like garage doors outside, so maybe it’s been built by someone in a garage extension? Anyway, it’s so blatantly obvious that they really ought to have said something about it, and maybe spent a line telling us why this bar uses plastic glasses too.

At this point, we have two groups of people going after the Snow Shark. Some local vigilantes and some scientists – the scientists also have the stupidest “hunter” ever with them, who is just unpleasant to everyone. Like he saw Han Solo once when he was drunk and remembers nothing. Who’ll get to the Snow Shark first?

Well, it’s more a matter of who’ll get killed off first. The shark is never in the slightest bit of danger, and when one is killed by a heroic sacrifice at the end, that is immediately undercut by the camera then showing a bunch more sharks on their way to devour the small town. Ho hum.

There’s a small matter of how rotten and misogynistic this film is. Women are the butt of jokes or abuse throughout, and the one who does stand up for herself (one of the scientists) gets eaten just before the end. I hope these reviews are part of the end of this terrible trend in genre films, that is actively stopping half the potential audience from getting involved. Well, not that they’d want to get involved with this piece of garbage anyway. That’s another way this film seems broken – having a potential couple survive to the end helps with the dramatic tension, gives the hero or heroine even greater obstacles to overcome, but just having a large group of people who get eaten, fairly quickly, leaves you with no tension of any kind.

So, a completely pointless experience, one I should have turned off after 20 minutes. The people who made this should feel ashamed – even if you’ve got no money, there’s no excuse to do something as bad as this. Notice I didn’t even point out how dumb having a shark that can move through the earth is? That problem doesn’t even crack this film’s top ten for stupidity.

Better special effects than in the movie

Better special effects than in the movie

PS. This film’s music is maybe the worst music ever. Not even good library music, but the worst generic sub-keyboard-demo-track level. Another example of the people who made this film being cloth-eared idiots.

Snow Shark: Ancient Snow Beast on IMDB
Buy Snow Shark [DVD] [2011] [Region 1] [US Import] [NTSC]

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2 thoughts on “Snow Shark: Ancient Snow Beast (2011)

  1. Pingback: Sand Sharks (2011) |

  2. Pingback: Queen Crab (2015) |

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