Snow Beast (2011)

Why do any of us bother with films like this?

 

Some film reviewers will insist that you need to watch an entire film before you pass judgement on it. Not me! Those same film reviewers probably have opinions on editing, and making sure your reviews make sense and aren’t just half-formed rants. Fools! I am attempting a bold new technique in film reviewing: the 5 minute guess. For this film, I’ve paused it at exactly 5 minutes 45 seconds (where a small plane is about to land somewhere, people who already have this film) and will attempt to guess where it’s going to go, and review it, and then I’ll come back at the end and see how right I was.

Before I get started, though, thanks to my friend James for this one. We always try and get each other the cheapest-looking films imaginable for birthdays, and this is mine. From the special features (scene selection!) to the opening screen, this just reeks class.

Anyway, the 5 minute review. John Schneider, off of Smallville, is a Dad and his teenage daughter is sullen, and has been expelled from school which means she needs to accompany Dad to Canada. He’s a scientist, probably (I was tickling under my dog’s chin during a bit of this conversation and wasn’t paying attention), which will absolutely positively help at around the 0:50 mark. She’ll either save the day or be saved by Dad / hunky young research assistant who I think will be showing up in a few minutes time. Oh, one of the London brothers is in this, I remember from the box, so he might be the love interest, or the local sheriff who’s too sophisticated for this town.

ASIDE: I like the film “The Rage: Carrie 2”. Something about it just chimes with me. Anyway, one of the Londons is a high school jock in that film, despite very obviously being at least 30 years old. If you’re casting someone like that, at least have the good sense to make a joke about it! I apologise for interrupting this review with a crappy story.

So far in the film, we’ve also seen the Snowbeast’s arms and legs, as he kills and drags off a snowboarder. Oh, you extreme sports people! I predict some of the science being done up in Canada will have either created the Snowbeast or disturbed him from his aeons of slumber, and it’ll take a special bullet or some Rube Goldberg-esque explosion to finish him off. Am I hedging my bets too much? Okay, here goes. Here are my predictions on what will happen in this film.

J London is a sheriff who believes in bad monsters and will team up with Schneider.
Daughter won’t have a love interest, but there’ll be a hot scientist for Dad to hook up with.
The Snowbeast will be a genetically modified Yeti.
The daughter will be saved by John Schneider, which will cement their relationship.
Dad will be forced to create some special weapon to kill the beast.
Oh,and it will absolutely suck.

I like it. I feel confident, so let’s watch on and see if I’m right or not:

THUMBS DOWN
I am no good at guessing how films will develop. London bites the dust at about the halfway point! Snowbeast gets him and his fat, sarcastic partner, so then it was just scientists v. snowbeast. There was a love interest for the main man, but her head got bashed in by the snowbeast too.  And Schneider! He barely makes it to the hour mark. Do you really care how it ends? I care so little I can’t even be bothered to mention it.

More importantly, over and above everthing else, I was 100% right about my last prediction. This film is absolutely…nothing. Like staring at a blank screen for 90 minutes, but nowhere near as much fun. Still, I enjoyed the experience of the 5-minute guess review, and would try it again.

Snow Beast on IMDB
Buy Snow Beast

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